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Full text of "National Lampoon Magazine 1974-05"

Son - o '-God Meets Zimmerman • New Bulgemohiles 

Da Vinci's Notebook Vol. II • Another True Western Romance • Rodrig ues Redux 

Return of Foto Funnies* Dodosaurs Revisited ■ More National Anthems 







MAY 1974 THE HUMOR MAGAZINE 85 CENTS 



iba- 
JOOMI'Ooooooh! Tl, tha-bwup p ;h oooooooosh BAM b 

m BAM BAM BAM KA-WHOOM ba-DOOM DOOM pop-pop-pop-POP-POP! "Aooaoaaehhhhl" 
i-WHUP pwooooooosh DAM fa-DAM DAM BLOOOM pop-pop-pop-POP ka-FOOM flok flok flok 
- flok flok flisssh. "Oh, my!" Tho-WI IUP bweeeeee da-BOOM BOOM FIOOOMI "Yaaaaaaaay! 
p-clap-clop-clap-CLAPCLAPCLAP." Tho-WHUP WHUP WHUP WHUP pwooooooooooooooosh 
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eeeeeeeeeeee jr ^^V^^eeeeeee fip FIP W ^r ^S^ot flot DUT 

DUTDUTf 
DOOM bo 




ANNIVERSARY ISSUE 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



It's new! It's digital 



Bell & Howell Schools introduces a new learn-at-home program in electronics 
that includes building a giant-screen color TV with these digital features 





Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



yourself! 

Digital clock Channel numbers Automatic preset 

dial Hashes on screen Uiat Hash on the screen channel selector 



Have fun doing it! 

What a thrill to have an at-home educational 
program in which you actually build your own 
color TV! Especially a TV with features made 
possible by the new applications of digital elec- 
tronics! 

Like channel numbers that flash right on the 
screen! No more squinting to see which channel 
you're on or want to turn to. 

An on-screen digital clock! Jusi a push of a 
button and your TV tells you the time of day! 

An automatic channel selector that you pre- 
set to skip over "dead" channels and go directly to 
the channels of your choice. 

Plus . . . silent, all-electronic tuning, stai&of- 
ihe-art integrated circuitry, Black Matrix picture 
tube and 1009/ solid-slate chassis for a bright, 
sharp picture with long life and dependability. 

You learn valuable skills in eiecfranics 
through experiments and testing as you build this 
advanced-design color TV. 

Do it for your future! 

Once you complete this new learn-al-homc 
program from Bell & Howell Schools, you'll have 
the specialized skills to service color TVs plus 
the knowledge that you can apply to repair a 
variety of home electronic equipment. No lierter 
or more practical at-home training in electronics 
is available anywhere! 

These skills could open up new income 
opportunities for you, full or part time. While 
many of our students do not ask for employment 
assistance, it is available. Of course, no assurance 
of income opportunities can be oflered. 



Find out how you can buiJd and keep this 
Bell & Howell 25 -inch diagonal color TV with 
digital features plus our exclusive Electro Lab 1 
electronics training system with digital mulii - 
meter, solid-state "triggered sweep" oscilloscope 
and design console. 

Find out> too, about the Lab Starter Kit that 
gives you "hands on" experience with your first 
lesson — and about our toll-free phone-in assis- 
tance and in-person "help sessions" to assist you 
every step of the way. 




Mail postage-face caixl today! 

This Dell & Howell Schools program is 
approved by the state approval agency for Veterans* 
Benefits, Please check the appropriate Ixix on the 
card for free information. 



602R4 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



We give you the softest soft 
to the loudest loud. 

From our lowest price to our highest, you wont get clipped'. 



Today ' s best recordings nan reproduce 
music's full dynamic range, from the softest 
soft to the loudest loud. Moot of today's 
popular low and moderate efficiency speaker 
systems can't* But BIG VENTURI speakers do. 

A speaker's dynamic range depends mainly 
on its efficiency and power handling capacity 
Low-efficiency speakers can't get started 
without a good deal of 
input power. And, they 
tend to get stifled 
when driven beyond their 
capability, 

BIG VENTURI speakers 
are efficient! They need 
as little as one fifth 
the amplifier power of most 
air suspension systems for 

So* 



the same sound output 
you can listen louder 
without pushing your ampli 
fier to the point where it 
starts clipping the tops and 
bottoms of musical peaks. 

today's popular, low-efficiency 
speakers require about a 50 -watt 
per channel amplifier to deliver 
lifelike sound levels. Even our 
Formula Z will deliver that same 
sound level with only 25 watts of 
amplifier power; the Formula 4 with SO watts 
and our Formula G with only 9 watts ? 
With BIG VEMTUHI, your amplifier can loaf 
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to reproduce musical peaks cleanly, 
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fier suddenly "became two to five times as 
powerful. BIG VENTURI can handle lots of 
power, too. A typical, low-efficiency system 
is rated for a maximum safe power input of 
about 50 watts. Feed it more power and you're 
likely to push it into distortion, or even 
3elf-dG3truction! 

With a BIG VENTURI you can turn up the 
power, without distortion or speaker damage. 
Even our compact Formula 2 can safely handle 
75 watts per channel. With that much power 
feeding it, it will deliver 210% more sound 
output than a low-efficiency system will at its 



power limit, Drive our super efficient 
Formula 6 at its maximum, and it will 
deliver nearly 1300% more sound power! 

That's the loud half of the story. 
With soft music (or when 
you turn down the volume) 
you want to hear it soft. 
With most speakers, turn down 
the volume slowly and you reach 
a point where the sound suddenly 
fades out because the speakers 
aren't linear anymore. 
But BIG VENTURI 's are, The sound 
goes smoothly softer, without 
any sudden fadeout, 
retaining all the subtle 
nuances that add to the 
haracter of the music. 
But, even though 
BIG "VENTURI speakers remain 
linear, there is a point where 
your ears do not. At lower 
sound levels, your ears lose 
their bass and treble 
sensi fcitj ty . Go , our DYNAMIC TONAL 
BALANCE COMPENSATION™ circuit 
(pat. pending) takes over. As the 
volume goes down it adjusts 
frequency response, automatically 
to compensate for the ear's 
deficiencies. The result: aurally "flat" 
response, always! 

Our Formula 2 is the most efficient of 
its size. The Formula 4 offers even greater 
efficiency and power handling, And the most 
efficient is the Formula 6. Hear them at 
your dealer. B-I-C INTERNATIONAL, Westbury, 
N.Y. 11590. Div.of Avnet,Inc. 
Canada: C.l.Pointon, Ltd, , Ont, 

BIC VENTURI 





Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




s*-5k^ 



May, 1974 Vol I, No. 50 



Son-o'-God Meets Zimmerman, 33 
Cock Talcs, 40 
By Chris Miller 



The Gahan Wilson Horror Movie Pocket Computer, 42 



My Own Stamp Album — Continued, 45 

By Bruce McCalt 



Leonardo da Vinci's Undiscovered Notebook, Volume If, 47 

By Henry Beard and Brian McConnachie, Illustrated by Daniel Maffia, 

Handicapped Sports, 51 

By Charles Kodrigues *^___ 



Surprise Poster #6, 58 
By Randall Enos 



8 Comics in One, 61 
By Ed Subit&ky 



Americans United to Beat the Dutch, 63 

By Christopher Cerf and Henry Beard 



z 



National Anthem Encores, 68 

By Brian McConnachie 



1934 Bulgcmubile Brochure, 73 
By Bruce McCall 



Six More Secret Japanese Techniques of Self-Defense, 79 

By Gerald Sussman 

Mongologue, 84 

By P, J. O'Rourke, Brian McConnachie, and Henry Beard 

Return of the Dodosours, 88 

By Rick Meyerowitz 

^News, S 
jTrue Facts, 10 
-jEditorial, IS 
Letters, 16 
Mr. Chatterbox, 22 
Foto Funnies, 70 
^Underwear for the Deaf, 87 
^Funny Pases, 91 





NATIONAL LAMPOON® MACA7JNE; ♦"National Lampoon" is a registered 

trademark of National Lampoon, Inc. The T^mpocm Mmo tn used with the 
permission of the Hnrvnrd Lampoon, I"nn h Copyright © 1974, National 
Lampoon, Inc., 635 Madist/n Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. All riffhbi 
reserved, Notbiim may bo reprinted in whole or in start witlmui written per- 
mission from tho publisher. Any simUaritv to rcalpeople and places in Actum 
and semifiction is purely coincidental, SUBSCRIPTIONS: Published monthly 
by National Lampoon, Inc., G35 Madison Avenue, Now York, N.Y. 10022. 
56.96 paid annual subscription, $11. OS paid two-year subscription, and $15,95 
paid three year aubacriptjon in territorinl U,£. Additional $1,00 for Canada 
and Mexico. $2.00 lor foreign. Second ciase postage paid at Now York, 
N.Y.. and additional mailing offices. CHANCE OF ADDRESS; Subscriber 
please send change or addrcsa to Circulation Manager. National Lampoon 
Magazine. 636 Madison Avenue, Now York, N,Y. IQG22, Bo cure to give old 
address, new address, and zip code for both. Allow six weeks for change. 
POSTMASTER: Please mail Form 3579 notices to; Circulation Manager, 
National Tjimpoon Magazine, 635 Mndison Avenue. New York, N.Y. 
ADVERTISINft INFORMATION- Hon met Adv*r(Mng Director. Nation*) 
l*tmpuun Magazine. 635 Mud i ran Avenue. Now York, N,Y. 1D022, or call 
(212) 688-4070. EDITORIAL INFORMATION: Cantaet SubmisBions Editor. 
National Lampoon Magazine, 035 Madison Avenue, Now York, N.Y. 10022, 
W call (212) 036-4070. Return postage must accompany all manuscripts, 
drawings, and photographs submitted if they are to be returned. Publisher 
assumes no responsibility For unsolicited material. 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 3 




The 
ational Lampoon 
ares To Compare! 



We submitted the 
National Lampoon to an 
independent testing 
institute to see 
how well we stack up 
against our 
leading competitor. 

Here are the results: 




U.S.News 

& WORLD REPORT 



ON 
[HE US. 



Coimption 
In Politics 

How Widespread? 




Big Boffs YES 

Madcap Antics .A.K.JI... MJ. . . . YES 

Articles on Balance of 

Trade Payments NO 

Mirth YES 

Merriment YES 

Tons of Fun YES 

Reports on Emerging 

African Nations NO 

Snappy Patter YES 

Exactly 12 Issues a Year YES . 

7 YES 




:•.::: 



NO 
NO 



YES- 
NO ■ 
NO . 
NO . 

YES. 
NO . 
NO , 



2 YES 



SPECIAL OFFER 



I 



You subscribe to the National Lampoon and 
we do the rest. What's so special about that 
you ask. This is what's *o special about that, 
as you so snidely put it; what if we didn't do 
the rest. What if we just said the hell with it, 
you want your magazine, you come in and 
get it; we're too busy. But we don't say that. 
We say well do the rest and we mean it- 
Other magazines don't say they'll do the rest, 
so maybe they don't do the rest, This is 
precisely why we don't subscribe to other 
magazines* And you shouldn't either! 

Copyright © 2007 National 



The National Lampoon, Dept.NL574 
635 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y, 1UG22 

I am glad #©U dn the rest and am confident 
you will keep on doing it. Bless ymi. 

I enclose my check Q money order □ 

(Please place in envelope) 

□ Bill me: I'll send along my check upon receiving 

your invoice. 
n One-y^or subscription— $6*95 
Q Two-year subscription— $11,05 
[71 Three-year subscription— $15.95 



Name. 



i f>l<MM- j>rint) 



Address,. 



City. 



-State. 



.Zip Code*. 



L 



Pk-iuc mnkc Sure to I is l your correct zIu*Cod« number, 
Vnr each yo;»r .irlrt SI, 00 for CAmidn nnd Mexico. .S2.00 for fwrtlKn. 



Lampoon Inc. 




la ! 



MAY, 1974 



VOLUME 1, NO. L 



G.O.P. JUBILEE! 

1923-24 Scandal Semi- Centennial 1973- 74 




continued 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 5 



eontinwtd 



In a number of speeches in which he has made reference to a totally mythical episode involving a position on 
executive privilege President Jefferson never took over a letter he never sent, President Nixon has displayed a 
wanton, even craved, disregard for historical accuracy. Recently, in a surprise appearance at the Lincoln Memorial, 
he gave a short address in which he drew historical parallels of astonishing bogosity between his current difficulties 
and the problems suffered by President Lincoln during the Civil War. Unkind observers are quick to suggest that 
in these instances of historical inaccuracy, the President was attempting some clumsy but typical deception based 
on his characteristic assumption that the vast majority of Americans are high-grade morons, In fact, we have 
learned that President Nixon has come somehow to believe over the years, quite deeply and sincerely, in a some- 
what different version of American history than the average citizen of the United States, and through the usual 
process of subterfuge, we have been able to obtain a brief-digest of what he regards as the true chronology of events 
in the nation's annals, 



1620 Pilgrims sign Mayflower Memo mak- 
ing "noble commitment" to settle in 
America 1804 

1S21 Pilgrims accept turkeys, corn from 
Indian Lobby, establishing prece- 
dent of political dealing 1812 

1692 Witches placed on Enemies List in 

Salem 

1730 Franklin invents biased media 

1743 Washington chops down cherry 

tree, says famous words to father, 1814 
"I cannot reveal that information," 
establishes principle of executive 
privilege 1814 

1752 Washington catches silver dollar 
thrown across Delaware, estab- 
lishes precedent of accepting cash 
campaign contributions 1815 

1765 Patrick Henry makes immortal 

speech: "Give me liberty, or give 1623 
me 1,000 pounds sterling " 

1773 Colonists dump tea In Boston Har- 
bor to protest unfair British tax rules 1835 
that prevent them from taking de- 
ductions for donations of personal 
papers 1836 

1775 Battle of Lexington and Concord, 

News of shot leaked around the 1836 
world Vj 1801 

1775 Battle of Bunker HIIL Famous cry: 

"Go ahead and shoot, and we'll say 1863 
some sniper fired the first shot" 

1778 Nathan Hale, America's first 
plumber, caught and executed. His 
dying words: "This matter Is im- 
pressed with a very high degree of 1*M 
national security" 

1777 British ask Washington to sur- 
render. He refuses with famous 
words "J will not go down in his- 
tory as the man who caused Amor- t 8e * 
ica to suffer the first defeat In her 
proud, one-year history" t865 

1777 Washington at Valley Forge; estab- 
lishes principle of government fi- 
nancing of winter White House 

1778 Washington makes incursion across 
Delaware to attack British sane- 1866 
tuarles 

1778 John-Paul Jones expresses Amer- 
ican fighting spirit In famous cry, 1868 
"1 have not yet begun to fight and 
1 am not a crook" 

1780 Washington caffs Benedict Arnold 1878 
"one of the finest public servants 

it has ever been my privilege to 1878 
know" 

1781 British gain peace with honor, re- 1890 
turn of POWs, at Yorktown 

1787 Founding Fathers write Constitution, 1698 
recognize need for domestic aur- 
veffJance, farsightedly make no 1899 
mention of tapping of telephones 1914 

1798 In Farewell Address, Washington 

warns successors not to fet U.S, 1915 

become "a pitiful, helpless midget" 

or "a fifteenth-rate power 3 ' 1917 

1800 Jefferson arranges Louisiana Pur- 



chase, establishing principle of 
Presidential land deals 
Jefferson calls Aaron Burr "one of 
the finest public servants it has ever 
been my privilege toknow" 
U.S. Incursion into Canada to pro- 
vide security for American troops in 
Louisiana. Phased withdrawal after 
destroying key logistics base in 
Ottawa 

British aggression against U.S. 
Washington, D.C. t burned in delib- 
erate terrorist act 
Francis Scott Kay leaks news of 
"bombs bursting In air," but prin- 
ciple of secret bombing Is estab- 
lished 

British gain peace with honor at 
New Orleans 

Monroe faces down foreign heads 
of state, establishes Doctrine, shows 
he has what it takes 
Eighteen-and-a-haif-inch gap ap- 
pears in Liberty Bell. No one blames 
the President 

Texans fight to death at Alamo to 
uphold principle of confidentiality 
Mexicans gain peace with honor 
Principle of secret bombing upheld 
at Ft. Qumpter 

Lincoln gives Gettysburg Address, 
admits to secret fund of "four score 
and seven thousand dollars/' refers 
to wife's "good Republican silk ball 
gown," vows to stay in office 
Admiral Farragut utters Immortal 
Words, "Damn the torpedoes, full 
speed ahead, and not a word about 
this to anyone in Congress, gel 
me?" 

Sherman carries out successful 
pacification program In Georgia 
Confederacy gains peace with hon- 
or at Appomatox. Grant takes Lee's 
sword, breaks it over his head, says 
"I'm not angry. One can only be 
angry at those he respects" 
Lincoln assassinated. His dying 
words: "At (east they didn T t cut the 
legs off the Presidency" 
Failure to impeach President John- 
son ushers in new era of prosperity 
at home and peace abroad 
Custer gains peace with honor at 
Little Big Horn 

Alexander Graham Bell invents 
wiretap 

fndfans gain peace with honor at 
Wounded Knee 

Spanish cut the tegs off the Maine 
In Havana Harbor 
Spanish gain peace with honor 
Panama Canal opened. Confiden- 
tiality of the seas strengthened 
Germans make frantic, vicious, dis- 
torted attack on Lusitania. It sinks 
Wilson sends American troops to 
France to protect American troops 



fighting in France, and to speed 

Frenchification program 
1918 Germany obtains peace with honor 
1819 Massachusetts Senator torpedoes 

League of Nations and destroys 

hopes for fasting peace 
1819 The Year of Europe 

1920 Another Year of Europe 

1921 One More Year of Europe 

1923 Harding first becomes unaware of 

Teapot Dome Affair 
1923 Harding becomes inoperative after 

eating poisoned fish. His dyfng 

words: "One year of Teapot Dome 

is enough" 

1929 Temporary slowdown In business 
activity due to seasonal factors 

1930 Short run increase In unemploy- 
ment due to deflationary pressures 

1931 Brief period of readjustment due to 
investment laws 

1932 Moderate restriction In real growth 
due to coofing of overheated econ- 
omy 

1 933 Major dep ression due to Democratic 
mismanagement of economy 

1941 Japenese show knowtedge of prin- 
ciple of secret bombing, Germany. 
Japan, and Italy placed on Enemies 
List 

1944 Patten wins war, makes famous 
battle cry, "Let's screw the bastards 
with a full field audit of thoir fast 
five years of returns" 

1945 Truman reasserts principle of se- 
cret bombing at Hiroshima and 
Nagasaki 

1945 Germany, Japan, and Italy gain 

peace with honor 
1950 Alger Hiss revealed as not one of 

the finest public servants it has 

been a privilege to know 
1958 Checkers Is shown as "one of the 

finest public dogs it has ever been 

my privilege to know" 
1960 First Presidential campaign ends in 

honor 

1962 Campaign for governorship of Cali- 
fornia ends in honor 

1963 Kennedy assassinated, Burger Com- 
mission conducts the most thorough 
and exhaustive inquiry until FBI In- 
vestigation of Watergate 

1968 Robert Kennedy succumbs to good 
hard campaigning technique long 
recognized as a part of the Amer- 
ican political tradition 

1988 Nixon elected. Greatest day since 
Moses was discovered In the bull- 
rushes 

1989 Men land on moon. Greatest day 
since invention of the wiretap 

1972 George Wallace succumbs to good 
hard campaigning technique long 
recognized as a part of the Amer- 
ican political tradition 

1972 Nixon reelected. Greatest day since 
Christ walked on the water 



6 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



continued 



SfS 



FULL COLOR 



S*«s !&££££$ *1^ 



Mow you can order the transfers you've 
always wanted and Iron them on to your 
favorite shirts, Jackets, sweatshirts, etc, 




COUPON IS NOT NECESSARY TO ORDER lutl prinr nemo, adrffftti and ardor Informal!™ on blank pcpor and «mf wlrti 
pmpmr payminr ra CANTON HOUSE, Dspl. Ei- 4 1 466 l*«lngmn Ave., How York, N.Y. 10017. 

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 








We have learned that in addition to 
the pieces of evidence proving the 
President's innocence which were 
shown to Senator Hugh Scott but 

which can't be made public, there is 
a very large body of evidence which 
doesn't exist that "conclusively dem- 
onstrates'* that President Nixon was 
not guilty of any wrongdoing white in 
office. 

lite non-existent evidence is said 
to consist of a number of missing tape 
recordings in which John Dean ad- 
mits his guilt; a batch of unavailable 
memos which leave no doubt as to 
the President's lack of knowledge 
of the Watergate break-in, the Ells- 
berg burglary, and subsequent cover- 
up efforts; and numerous unobtain- 
able affidavits which clearly absolve 
Mr. Nixon of any implication of im- 
proper conduct in the ITT case, the 
milk lobby contributions, question- 
able tax dealings, and other matters 
under investigation, 

"Although figmentary in nature, 
this new evidence is unequivocal/* 
said James St. Clair, the President's 
lawyer, "What we're talking about 
here is literally thousands of docu- 
ments, tapes, and the like — hell* 

cy'd occupy a whole room il it 
weren't for the very compact quality 

continued 



eren t tor the very 



Stanley Silverman is the brightest talent in this 
medium to come along since the Leonard Bernstein 
of "On The Towrfand "Wonderful Town:' 
Indeed, he could turn out 
to be the later day 

^^rtl^ D/"\r1"Ar ~ Harold C. Schoenherg, 
VUIC f^XJl Id- NY. Times 





Here are the song© from a musical 
that was one of the off-Broadway 
sensations of 1972-73, The critics raved 
and the public flocked, yet there were 
no prreat star-names, no marvels of 
decor, no obvious plot - only the 
presentation of the world as a mad- 
house, presided over by a certain 



invisible Doctor Selavy\= G'est la vie), 
And, there was no dialog. The whole 
structure and action and meaning were 
contained in, and evolved from, the score, 
one of the most brilliant ever contrived 
for the modern theatre. UA-LA196-G 
- Prom the liner notes 
by Anthony Burgess 



Dr. Selavy's MagicTheatre or 
Swinging at the Stock Exchange 






Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



PICK UP A GIRL 
IN TWO WEEKS! 

(OR YOUR MONEY BACK!) 



HOW TO 
PICK UP GIRLS! 







THE PICKING UP GIRLS KIT! 



u 



® 




Here, in one complete kit, is every- 
thing you need to know about picking up 
girls. One volume lelts you how to pick up 
girls. The other volume 
tells you where. To- 
gether they form an un- 
beatable combination, 
In fact, we guarantee 
you will pick up and 
date at least one beau 
liful girl within 14 days 
of receiving your kit. If 
you don't, feel free to 
return your kit for a 
complete refund, 

Here ar^ just a few of 
the more than 1 00 fool- 
proof techniques you 
will learn and master: 
How to be Sexy ■ How 
to make shyness work 
for you * Why a man 
doesn't have to be Rood- 
looking ■ How lo talk 
dirty seductively * Why 
girls get horny ■ Magic confidence build- 
ers * 50 great opening lines * The greatest 
pick up technique in the world ■ Why 
women are dying to get picked iiji * How 
to get women to pick you up ■ How to 
score lit singles* bars. 

Vnii will (earn the name and address 
of hundreds of pick up places just like 
these: 

• A divrtirlii'imt' where girls are so liber* 
a ted you can often sleep with them the 




I 

I . - M 

EVERYTHING YOU NEED 

TO KNOW TO PICK UP 

SEXY BEAUTIFUL GIRLS 

LIKE THIS 



same night you meet them! * A bar where 
girls, ask you to dnnce if you don't ask 
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divorcees who park their 
vachts at a special dock 
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come inside to get 
picked up! 

THE PICKING UP 
GIRLS KIT features in- 
k-mews with 25 beau- 
tiful girls. They tell you 
—in fheir very own 
words— exactly how to 
pick them up. 

You will also learn 
the name and address 
of over 900 pick up 
spots where a guy can't 
help but score! THE 
PICKING UP 
GIRLS KIT will take you directly 
to the very best night spots in these 
26 swinging cities: 
Atlanta • Baltimore * Berkeley * Boston 

• Chicago * Cincinnati * Cleveland • 
Dallas * Denver ■ Detroit ■ Houston * 
Las Vegas * Los Angeles * T ouisville 
■ Miami ' Milwaukee * Minneapolis * 
New York * New Orleans ■ Philadelphia 

• Phoenix - Portland * St. Louis • San 
Francisco * Seattle * Washington,. D.C, 



THE PICKING UP GIRLS KIT will 
also take you to fabulous pick up spots 
within five mites of your own Itome— 
places swarming with horny, single 
women. This kit will tell you exactly 
how ro track these places down. 

You will also learn: where to meet 
act rentes, models, rich divorcees, horny 
nu raeS, stewardesses, bunnies, etc. 

The techniques in THE PICKING 
UP GIRLS KIT work for all men. You 
don't have to be brave, rich or good- 
looking. Just walk up to the woman you 
have your eye on* use one of the simple 
techniques described in your kit, and 
you will pick her up. There is simply no 
way she can refuse you, WE GUAR- 
ANTEE IT, 

J The Northern Valley Co., Dept. CM ■ 

I P.O. Bos 5]5,Tcwifly t NJ. 07670 

| ticnilenwn: Pica-re sent! me I HE PICKING 

■ UP GIRLS KIT riphl away. I've enclosed 
J SI 6,95 plus I5t postage and handling, 1 un- 
I dcrsund th:u if I'm dissatisfied in any way 
I I can return t lie kit for a complete refund, 

■ . please send me HOW TO PICK UP 

GIRLS only, Pm enclosing S8.95 plus 
75c post and handling. 

| please send me WHERE TO PICK UP 

GIRLS only, I am enclosing 58,95 plus 

■ Name 

| Address. 

I city 



7V post and handling. 



State 



Zip- 






Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



continued 




• A series of excerpts from auto ac- 
cident Insurance claims filed by 
South African drivers was recently 
printed in a trade magazine" pub- 
lished by an organization of South 
African accountants. Among the ex- 
planations offered by local drivers 
for accidents in which they were in- 
volved were* 

"I consider neither vehicl 
blame, but if either was to bl :am it 
was the other one. The other car 
ran into mine without giving me any 
wanting of its intention to do so/* 

"The oth»'i mnii :iltr "H in -.mind. 
so 1 had to runwenim^ 

under the car.*' 

"I thought window was 

down, but it was up ... as I found 
when I put my head through it." 

"i collided with a stationary bus 
coming the other way/' 

Jomlng home I drove into the 
wrong house and collided with a tree 
that I haven't got" 

"My car had to turn sharper than 
y owing to an invisible 
truck 

"Sue .suddenly saw me, lost her 
head, and we met sideways." 

"One wheel went into the ditch* 
my feet jumped from the brake to 
the accelerator, leapt across the 
othet Bide of the road and jumped 
into the trunk of a tree." The Idaho 
Statesman (T. Mi net) 
■ Things wpnt a little awry recently 
in the assault trial of Alfonso Mal- 
do Dalenciano in El Paso, 
Texas. When asked to identify his 
assailant, Isadore Wechter, the eld- 
erly robbery victim, pointed a finger 
at a surprised juror. 

Mr. Dalenctano was standing next 
to his attorney on the far side of the 
courtroom. 

It is not known whether charges 
against Mr. Dalenciano will be dis- 
missed. Corpus Christi 'rimes < M. 
Ramis) 



• The last wishes of Sydney IL 
Sherwood, who died recently at the 

Of eighty eight, have been com- 
plied with. His former secretary 
said that the ashes of the. oil lamp 
manufacturer had been scattered on 
the floor of his factory in Birming- 
ham, England, as requested in his 
will. 

" He made the requa M i ss 

Agnes Maguire, who helped In the 
taring, "because of his affection 
for the works, founded by his grand- 
father." New York Times (B, Bar- 
shefsky ) 

• In addition to breakdowns in solar 
panels, gyroscopes, and other tech- 
nological devices, the astronauts of 
Sky lab 3 suffered from more mun 
dane difficulties. 

Astronaut William H. Pogue 
termed flatulence the most troubling 
personal hygiene problem. "We have 
to pass so much gas," complained 
Pogue. '1 don't want to pass over 
the flatus problem lightly because I 
think passing gas about 500 times a 
tl;tv fs not a good way to go. It's just 
not a nice thing." 

"It offends i >eopJc 
the only 
evSB f.odv m&e m i 

amount ot | 




propria te organ music fend 

words or fected by the 

deceased. 

Thp device is activated by v re- 
mote control device carried by a 
visitor to the graveeite. The mo 
would be shown on a twelve-inch 
screen mounted next to taph, 

"You could also have pictures of 
Christ ascending to heaven or Christ 
on 1 1 whatever you want," 

i.\ "II adds a whole new 
dimension to going to the cemetery. 
When you go there now, what do 
The name of your loved 
one on ;» stone and when they died, 
and that's all." 

The "Eternal Monument" me- 
morial device would be built out of 
bulletproof material and would cost 
"i. Among Mr. WeDs 1 other in- 
ventions are a six in one musical 
instrument and an improved wind- 
shield wiper Cleveland Plain Dealer 
fC, Gee) 

A one-year subscription or the 
equivalent value in National Lam- 
poon products will be given for items 
used Send entries to; True Facts, 
National Lampoon, 635 Madison 
Ave.. N.Y.. N.Y. 10022, 



which non-existent items tend to 
have," 

Mr. 8i Glair went on to say that he 
wished that he were able to furnish 
some or all of the evidence in ques- 
tion to the Prosecutor and the courts, 
and to have the opportunity to even- 
tually make it public, but the Presi- 
dent's very clear position on the con- 
fidentiality of his office and the doc- 
trine of executive privilege rule out 
any such action. 

"Quite apart from the technical dif- 
ficulties of handling illusory mate- 
rial," he continued, "and unresolved 
questions as to admissibility in court 
as well as the possibility of confusion 
in identifying specific imaginary 
items, labeling them, and so forth, 
and overcoming the pesky invisibility 
problem, there is the very real prob- 
lem of the conflicting interpretations 
that can arise when you deal with 
insubstantial documents. In addition, 
we feel quite strongly that the Prose- 
cutor and the courts should specify 
in subpoenas the individual imagi- 
nary materials they are seeking, and 
then we will turn over whatever cor- 
responding pieces of evidence are not 
present in our files," 

St. Clair emphasized that this was 
"a fair and generous arrangement" 
for all parties. "We feel that we have 
been very cooperative in this area," 
he insisted. "In the last few months, 
we have already provided the Prose- 
cutor and the courts, without even 
being asked, a ]arg& amount of intan- 
gible evidence bearing directly on a 
number of key areas. And let me just 
say that I think it's quite unreason- 
able for them ? as well as highly in- 
accurate, to have slated that we failed 
to give them material which did exist, 
when in fact we were giving them 
material which did not exist" 



According to a high-ranking official 
who joined the State Department 
shortly after Henry Kissinger became 
Secretary of State, Kissinger was 
deeply embarrassed by the visible 
failure of his "Year of Europe" in the 
face of the utter absence of any spirit 
of European unity. 

"Henry feels he bit off more than 
he could chew on that one," the offi- 
cial remarked recently. "In '74, we're 
going to scale things way down and 
take it step by step/* 

According to extremely reliable 
news sources close to the White 
House; Kissinger's present plans en- 
vision May as the Month of Belgium, 
the first two weeks in June as the 
Fortnight of France, a four day pe- 
riod at the end of June as the Long 
Weekend of Portugal, and so on. LI 



10 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Phil couldn't afford an expensive guitar. 

So he got 
a great one. 



'\ « 



\\ 



/ 



Phil's first guitar was fine— for a beginner. 
And he loved it until he realized he wasn't a 
beginner anymore. Phil needed a better guitar 
to match his ability. So he shopped around and 
tried a dozen different makes. To compare 
their different actions and sounds. The guitar 
Phil Irked best wasn't the most expensive. 

It was an Epiphone. 

And it was special because Epiphones are 
carefully crafted from selected woods — like 
rosewood, maple and spruce. Sure, they look 
more expensive than they are. But, more 
important, they sound and play as good as 
they look. 

If you're in the market for a guitar, shop around 
before you buy. Compare. We think you'll 
agree — Epiphone looks, plays and sounds like 
$300 or more. Instead of as little as $100. 

You get more out of It because we put more 
into it. Epiphone. From the people who make 
Gibson Guitars. 

Epiphone 

Makers of fine guitars since 1873 

A product of Chicago Musical Instrument Co. 

7373 N. Cicero Avenue. Lincolnwnori. Iiitnms fifi6<Wi 

CMI -A Division of Nurlin Music Inc. 






im 








Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




Copyright © 2007 National Lampo 



The only cassette deck 
in town. 

All cassette decks offer convenience. 
And simplicity of operation. Now let's 
separate the men-decks from the boy- 
decks. There is only one moderately 
priced cassette deck which offers 
performance specs not touched by 
any other cassette deck in the world 
(except our own more expensive 450). 
The TEAC 3 60S. 

For openers, it has a memory 
rewind counter (to simplify your 
"search" time), a Light Emitting 
Diode (to warn you of sudden peak 
levels during recording), separate 3-position bias and equalization 
switches (to adjust for different types of tape). 
Yes, but what about the sound? 

We thought you'd never ask. Because of our new transport drive 
system, the TEAC 360S has an incredible 0.07% record and 
playback WRMS wow and flutter— which is an engineer's way of 
proving the 3 60S is virtually free of noise which has characterized 
most cassette decks. 

Now add Dolby* Noise Reduction circuitry, enhanced by Dolby 
calibration controls and tone generator, and what do you have? 
The only cassette deck in town. (Present TEAC company excepted.) 
Check it out first thing. 




The TEAC 360S. 



TEAC. 

The leader. Always has been. 



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Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




If Beethoven were alive today hed be recording 
on'Scotcli brand recording tape. 



Beethoven was a genius. But he 
was even more than that. 
He was a pro. 



So, next time you record something 
take a hint from the master. 

Use "'Scotch" brand— the Master Tape. 



He was tough and demanding 
and insisted on perfection in every- 
thing he did. Just like the pros in to- 
day s music business. The people who 
may be putting a hundred thousand 
dollars on the line when they walk into 
a studio to put down a record. 

And nearly 80% of all master 
recording studios use "Scotch" brand 
recording (ape. 

What else would Beethoven 
record on? 




LiirnPAM* '"SixUdV'ts a Registered Trademark of 3M Co, 

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc, 



The Master Tape 





Close the door. Now lock it. Pull the 
blinds. Check for bugs, hidden cam- 
ems. Feds under the bed. Go on, do it! 
This is hush-hush deep- six- eyes- only 
stuiL If you can't read without moving 
your lips, pull something over your 
head. Jacket. Dress. Okay? Here it 
comes. Aw, screw it. It's no secret- 
Shout it. out. Sooner or later the whole 
damn world's going to know, anyway. 

The NatLatnp's washed up. That's 
right. We're finished. Fresh out of 
ideas. Empty. Barren, Burned out. 

And there's nothing left. Zip, Zilch. 
Zero. The square root of sweet fuck all. 

It must have been going on for quite 
some time. Funny how things like that 
kinda creep up on you, and you try not 
to notice. Whistling in the dark, as it 
were. Until . , . well, until it's too late. 

One by one, we'd been drying up, 
We used to kid about it, at first 
"Jesus Christ," we'd say to each other 
over a cup of water during a break at 
the office , "I haven't come up with a 
joke for so long . . ." and then we'd 
trail off. Just like that. Because, you 
see, we couldn't come up with a witty 
expression, a felicitously turned 
phrase, or even a scatological meta- 
phor. 

At first > you lie to yourself. Just a 
dry spell, you say. A creative slump. 
It happens to the best of us. And you 
try to relax. And wait, But the jokes 
don't come. 

I guess we all thought we could get 
away with it- We thought the guy in 
the next cubicle would come up with 
something. Maybe there would be 
something in the unsolicited manu- 
scripts, An idea from a Buchwald or 



Russell Baker column. And every once 
in a while a free-lancer would drop by 
and sell us a couple of clunkers to tide 
us over. 

Now, the free-lancers don't come by 
anymore. The gag files are empty. And 
when the publisher came around and 
let us out on the last day of the month, 
we realized that we didn't have a 
single solitary idea among us. 

Not a premise. Not a pun. Not even 
a dead baby joke. 

It was quiet in the writers' quarters. 
No more the merry clink of manacles 
as fingers sped over the typewriter 
keys, as in the halcyon days of yore, 
No more the familiar thump of a head 
striking the ceiling as an idea hit an 
editor. No more the unbridled hys- 
teria, the sound of teeth biting carpet 
and desk leg as one's own comic bril- 
liance got the better of one. Just a 
melancholy, an ominous, a profoundly 
unfunny silence. 

We tried everything, in our des- 
perate search for inspiration. All the 
old tricks. Drink, smack, fasting, acu- 
puncture. "KAKA!" we cried to one 
another. 'TOO POO!" 

"Jesus jism!" 

"Jim Croce!" 

"Cheeseburgers! ' ' 

"Ron Zciglcr!" 

Nothing. Pathetic. 

Management tried, too. To give 
them credit, they tried. Went to un- 
precedented lengths, Gave us colored 



phones, encouraging words, shock 
therapy, our own chairs, Sundays off, 
mail room privileges, even salaries. It 
didn't work. 

Where once cascades of coruscating 
wit and whimsy burst joyfully from 
the presses like sun-dappled rivulets 
of a rushing springtime mountain 
spring, now there were reams of blank 
and endless arsewipe. 

How did it happen? Perhaps it was 
four years without sleep, the diet of 
fish sticks and freebee tequila. Per- 
haps our manager brought us along 
too fast. We coulda been champs. In- 
stead of bums. Which is what we are, 
let's face it, Charlie. 

Who knows how it happened. 1 1 did. 

Then, staring deadline in the face, 
someone had an idea. It cost him his 
Iife f poor devil— the strain was so 
great. No one remembers who he was. 
One more or less around here isn't 
noticed. We've got no time for glory. 
They just mail you to the morgue and 
clamp in your replacement 

But before he died, his eyes like 
shorted fuses, his mouth twisted in a 
horrible imitation of a smile, the un- 
known editor told us his idea. 

"If you can't think of anything 
new," he croaked, "do it all over 
again" He had not died in vain. Be- 
fore he hit the floor, swollen fingers 
were pummeling the keys. The presses 
began their cold, demanding hum. 
And one last National Lampoon be- 
gan its way into your hands, dear 
reader. 

This issue is dedicated to him. □ 

X* *»• 
S. K. 



Editors: Henry Beard, M icha el O'Donoghue, Tony Hendra, Brian McConnachie, Sean Kelly D esign Director : Mic hael Gross 

^^^^ Executive Editors: George W^" S. Trow, F* J. O'Rourke Senior Editor: Jpouglas Kenney 

Art. Director: David Kaestle Assistant Art Director: Celia Ban 

Copy Editor: Louise Gikow Editorial Assistant: Kargn Wi'gn^r Art Assistants: Laura Singer, Rosi Cassano 



Contributing Editors: Anne Beatts, John Boni, Terry Catehpole, Christopher Orf, 
D«*an A, Latimer, Bruce McOall, Chrk Miller, Ed Suhitzky, Gerald Sussman. John Weidnian 



Contributing Artists: M. K, Brown, Randall Enos, Dick Frank, John Glashan, Edward Gorey, Ronald G. Harris, Dick Hess, 

Stan Mack^Ilick Meyerowitz, Charles Radrigues, Alan Rose, Arnold Roth, Warren Sattler. Gahan Wilson 

Production Manager: Christine Chestis-Montanez Associate Editor (Gt. Brit ) : J- Dudley Fishburn 

Staff Assistant: Miehael Simmons Subscription Manager: Howard Jurofaky 



lAihimher: Gerald L* Taylor 



The National Lampoon, Inc. is a subsidiary of Twenty First Century Communications. Inc. 

Chairman: Matty Simmons President: Leonard Mom Vice-President: George Agoglia^ 

Vice-President Safes: Gerald h. Taylor Treasurer: Charles Schneider Controller; Alan Steinberg 



Advprlkmic (HQeeSi Now Yoiitr National Lampoon, 033 Madison Ave, N T i»w Ynrk, N.Y. 10022, 
{212)- 688-4070. Atlanta: Lee Offen* Dnvo Meszaros, 34 Old Ivy Hoad, NE, Atlanta Gn. 30342, (404) 233-4091. Chicago: William IL Sank*, Midwest Advertising Directnr, 
300 N, Michigan Avr„ Chicago, III 60601. (3LS) 34S-7U5. West Const: Lowell Fox, 10960 Wilshirc Blvd., Loa Angeles. Calif, U0U24» (213) 478-06X1. 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON IiS 




send TO; MONSTER COMPANY dept l 
BOX 63 MILL VALLEY CALIFORNIA 94941 



DESIGN 


wo. 


&M 


Ml D 


LG 


X-L 


















































TSHIRT1S) $*m Each 


PATCHES 4.0S Each 


POSTAGE & HAND 


50 Each 


nuisiDF us. Ann 


SO E!tth 


CALIF RES. ADD fi?„ TAX 


ro i ai 



-2fe_ 




/elter 



16 NATIONAL. LAMPOON 



My Dearest Son Richard : 

Don't cat muffins that seem to evi- 
dence foot, tracks. He considerate, and 
thoughtful of persons of high sta- 
tion. Don't comment idly or act un- 
duly impressed at seasonal changes. 
Cover your eyes and face in the sight 
of Got!. Walk with a brisk rhythmic 
pace swinging your right arm forward 
as your left leg extends and your left 
arm forward with your right leg. 
Never bathe with men who know 
Latin. If you should grow a boil, be 
neither ashamed nor proud, Shun the 
company of barrel makers and tictch- 
ers. Never place paper in your mouth. 
Only subtract numbers you feel com- 
fortable with. Shift your weigh L ir 
you witness yourself out of balance. 
Be evasive with Chinamen. Don't at- 
tempt to sing while lying down. Avoid 
intoxicants distilled from pitted 
fruits. Don't tie large copper pots to 
your legs or feet, Sleep twixt good 
stout sheets for those of satin are the 
Devil's putwillies. Know a man by 
the heft of his stallion and the cut 
of his hankie. Be slow to judge the 
motives of animals smaller than your 
ear. Count to yourself while you 
dance. Disdain from men who would 
scratch at their nether parts — for they 
are louts. Attend all this I have said 
to you and you will soon be a proper 
man. And don't forget, to wish the 
National Lampoon a happy anniver- 
sary. 

Lord Chesterfield 
Dublin, Ireland 

Dear Sir fella: 

Big fella, him white fella, him come 
our land, New Guinea place, him say 
him great god fella, great flaming star, 
much fella light, him come into sky, 
him devil fella star, him cause death 
and sickness and much fella badness, 
but white fella, him say he much fella 
powerful, him save people from devil 
star him call "comet," but people 
must worship white god fella, virgins 
must lie with him. People do what god 
fella say, much fear devil star. People 
wait. People wait many fella day, no 
devil star. White god fella, him get 
much fella worry. Pretty soon, he 
show Zippo lighter, Timex wristwatch 
(self-winding fella) , People see many 
Zippo lighter, much Timex wristwatch 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



(some with calendars). People no 
much fear Zippo devil or Timex devil. 
People eat white god fella. Much 
good. Big fella yum yum, Why white 
nut fella come New Guinea place with 
tale of devil star? Him dumb fella, 
you bet. 

Chief Talayangsay 
Port Moresby, New Guinea 

Sirs: 

I can imagine that you fellows 
might be a little surprised to be get- 
ting a letter from Me— being God and 
all — but frankly, I should think you'd 
be a little flattered that I've been a 
charter subscriber since your first is- 
sue. (But I didn't really get into it 
until you started featuring that one 
with the huge jugs! ) 

However, I have had the "devil" of 
a time getting My issues (you owe 
Me Nos. 26, 27, 29 and 37 to date) 
because of Me knows what kind of 
fuck up in your subscription depart- 
ment. 

You sharpers probably figure that 
this letter is a hoax because you think 
all I have to do is use My X-ray vi- 
sion or maybe turn an old copy of 
Commonweal into a new National 
Lampoon, but shit, with this energy 
crisis, even My stereo is so screwed 
up Joni Mitchell sounds like Tennes- 
see Ernie Ford, and My Ernie Ford 
albums sound like mammoth farts. 
(You're lucky you weren't around 
before 1 had them recalled, man, 
Adam and Eve wouldn't step out of 
their tree house without gas masks.) 

I'd send the Holy Ghost down to 
pick them up at your office, but the 
last trip He made He got sidetracked 
trying to hustle one of your secre- 
taries into the Cocky-Locky Motel 
and she mistook Him for an oil -slicked 
seagull (He chews Mail Pouch, yuk) 
and Lysoled all the pixie dust off His 
wings. He had to thumb all the way 
to the airport, and wouldn't have got 
ten a ride even then if He hadn't 
hooked up with some Berkeley chick 
and hid in the bushes while she 
dropped her tie-dyes by the side of 
the road. Stone drag, right? 

So cut the crap and send Me My 
back issues, or you're going to be real- 
ly sorry. And I'm not kidding. You 
want pestilence? I got pestilence. 
Looking for something in a natural 
disaster? Floods, earthquakes, plan- 
etary collisions . . , you name it, I got 
a dozen in the freezer. So watch it. 

Faithful Reader 
Miami, Fla. 

Sirs: 

Give the "vet" a break. It can he 
pretty lonely on the outside, and it's 
no picnic here, either. Read every 
comic book on the base. Really, I'm 
serious. Buick dealership, camp eoun- 

contimted 




Splash on a little Fr; 



ii 



Peter's latesL album contains some of- the hardest rock & roll he's recorded. 
The sound is crisp and coherent; never heavy-handed. The overall effect is 
refreshing and that has become an extremely rare achievement. 

"Somethin's Happening" New from Peter Frampton. On A&M Records. 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Technology must 
be confirmed 
by performance. 

Here are the judgments 

of the most respected critics and 

reviewers on the BOSE 901 



"I urge thai you listen for yourself. I 
think you will have 10 agree that 
BOSE Iras, in a single giant step, pru- 
tlikcd one 1 of (he finest speaker sys- 
tems ever made.'* 
AMERICAN RECORD GUIDE 

". . , If your response to h is like ours, 
you'll be reluctant to turn It off And 
go to bed." 
HIGH FIDELITY 

". , , I must say that I have never 
heard a speaker system in my own 
home which could surpass, or even 
equal, the BOSE 901 for overall 'real- 
ism' of sound." 
Hirsch-f louk Laboratories 
STEREO REVIEW 

"The BOSE haw replaced forever our 
bulky studio speakers with compact, 
handsome units. The only trouble is - 
our studio is beginning to look like a 
living roomJ" 
DOWNBEAT 

,J Tu lie.u a thunderous "tow C" organ 
pedal . . ,, or a clean, weighty impact 
of a bass drum is truly impressive . . . 
There is no doubt that the much 
abused and overworked term "break- 
through" applies to the BOSE 901 
and its bold new concepts." 
Ren Whyte 
AUDIO 

i4 But these speakers provide a quality 
which is not to be matched." 
STEREO & HI El TIMES 

"The 901 is very possihly the only 
speaker to date to actually pour forth 
in true concert hall fashion. 1 ' 
HI-FI BUYER'S GUIDE 



"After a time trial measured in months 
ralhei than weeks, this one can defin- 
itely proclaim BOSE is best, big or 
small , high or low." 
SATURDAY REVIEW 

Now the BOSE 901 Sefies // Direct} 
Reflecting ® Speaker does everything 
/7s predecessor did, and mote! We in- 
vite you to compare it with any con- 
ventional speaker, and hear the differ- 
ence for yourself. 

For information on the BOSE 901 
SERIES II, SOI SERIES II Direct/ 
Rctlecti ng®speakcrs, and other BOSE 
products, circle your reader service 
card or write us at Dcpi. L3. 




The Mountain, Framingham, MA. 07 701 



continued 

selor, maybe yon can help me cook 

up something with that new World 
Football League? Hell f teaching, 
even. Just something to get mc started 
in civilinn life. Babysitting? 

Lt, William Galley 
Ft. Benning, Ga, 

Sirs: 

Jesus was like a hippie, can you 
dig it? (Shit, piss.) Like dig, he had 
long hair and sandals and like you 
know it was like his raps were like 
he was stoned or something. (Crap, 
fuck, earwax. ) And he was busted by 
the pigs, dig it? (Craps, joint, pussy 
Like in a lot of ways Jesus was like 
us, like. (Snot, blow job.) Except 
Jesus never won a Grammy. 

Cheech and Chong 
Los Angeles, Calif. 

Sirs: 

Are you chaps calling me an ass- 
hole again? I was all set to marry 
this incredibly super girl and then 
right at the church door she called 
me an asshole and went off and mar- 
ried some twerp from Vegas. The only 
reason I can think of is that he 
brought her a copy of the National 
Lampoon and it said I was an ass- 
hole. The thing is, I was just fan- 
tastically in love with this girl and 
her leaving has almost broken my 
heart* We used to walk hand in hand 
through the moonlit streets of Shep- 
herd's Bush, scarcely speaking, just 
dreaming, happy to be together, and 
sometimes she would let me brush 
my lips softly over hers and they 
were like the wings of a butterfly 
folded in sleep and she said she 
didn't mind about my scabs or the 
way I spit when I laugh. I was so 
happy, T haven't been that happy 
since I met the Pope, And then she 
found out I was an asshole and I've 
been crying ever since. So please, 
please could you stop calling mc an 
asshole? I thought you were very de- 
cent last time after you broke Dia- 
hajiu and me up by calling me an 
asshole all the time (I mean the way 
you stopped calling me an asshole, 
which was really really super of you) , 
but with Karen it's more than even 
an asshole can bear. I know you have 
a perfect right to call me an asshole 
because I am an asshole and I always 
will be, but if I was to fall in love 
with some other fantastically super 
girl and she found out I was an ass- 
hole, I don't think I could go on liv- 
ing. Ho could you stop? Please. After 
all, as the hemorrhoid said to David 
Steinberg even an asshole has feel- 
ings, 

David Frost 

Upwardly Mobile, Surrey, England 

Sirs: 
"Once upon a time and a very good 

continued 



18 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



People who are really serious 

about their records are the best ones 

to ask about turntables. 



Most people who decide they want 
components turn to a friend who knows 
something about high fidelity equipment. 
If the friend is a reader of this magazine, 
that's good. And if I he friend happens to 
be someone who reviews recordings, 
that's even better. 

Record reviewers must select their 
equipment with great care, since they must 
listen with great care. To such things as 
the interpretation of the artist. To the 
recording and microphone techniques. 
And to the quality of the record surface 
itself. 

All this is why the professional 
listeners select their turntables so carefully. 

What most serious listeners know. 

Professional listeners know that what 
they hear (or don't hear) often depends on 
the turntable. 

After all, the turntable is the one 
component that actually handles records, 
spinning them on a platter and tracking 
their impressionable grooves with the 
unyielding hardness of a diamond. And 
the professional realizes that much 
depends on how well all this is done. 

Which is why so many record 
reviewers listen to their records on a Dual. 
And why \ he readers of the leading music 
magazines buy more Duals 1 ha n any 
other quality turntable 

They know that a 
record on a Dual will 

Duol 1214, SI 19.95 



rotate at precisely the right speed, to 
give precisely the right pitch, (If a record 
happens to be off pitch a Dual can 
compensate for it.) 

They know that a Dual tonearm 
will let the most sensitive stylus track the 
wildest curves ever impressed on a 




The gyroscopic 
gi moat suspen- 
sion of the Duo! 
1218anril229 
forearms is the 
best known scien- 
tific means for 
balancing a pre- 
cision instrument 
En all planes. 



a r 



Th& 121 8 and 1229 
tonearm* tree k 
records at the 
origi no I cutting —i 
angle. The 122? 
parallels single 
records- moves up 
for changer stock. 
A similar adjust- 
ment is m the 1218s 
cartridge housing. 





In all Duol models, 
Stylus pressure is 
applied Ground the 
pivot maintaining 

Serf eel dynamic 
olance of the 
tonearm. 



Separate anti-skotina. 
calibrations for coni- 
cal and elliptical styli 
achieve perfect track 
irrg balance in each 
wall of the stereo 
groove. 





record groove, and not leave a trace of 
its passage. 

And they know that a Dual will 
perform smoothly, quietly, and reliably 
year after year af !er year. Despite all the 
precision built into a Dual, they know it's 
one turntable that doesn't have to be ; 
handled with undue concern. (Even if the 
tonearm is locked when piay is started, or 
if the tonearm is restrained in mid-air 
while cycling no damage will result.) 

If you'd like to know more. 

A few examples of Dual precision 
engineering are shown in the illustration. 
But if you would like to know what several 
independent test labs say about Dual 
we'll send you complete reprints of their 
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Better yet, just visit your franchised 
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Dual turntables may seem expensive 
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And now that you know what the 
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United Audio Products, Inc. 

1 20 So. Columbus Ave. 

Ml . Vernon, N.Y. 105S3. Attn: Dept. NL 

Please send me /our free literature on turntables. 
I wofl'f mind if you include your own catalog. 



-Zip. 



Dual 1229, S2S9.95 



United Audio Products, Inc., 120 So. Columbus Ave., ML Vernon. N.Y 10553 

txtfSuii'.e U S Dn&lfibunon Afliflfl faf Ovill 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




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tnnthuied 

time it was there was a moocow com- 
ing down along the road and this 
moocow that was coming down along 
the road met a nicens little boy 
named baby tuekoo," 

How do you like it so far? It's go- 
ing to be about a thirty -seven-year- 
old re Lard named tuekoo who runs 
into a cow on the way to Betty 
Byrne's. Oh, and by the way, will 
one of you please tell that stupid shit 
Nesbitt that the rights to lemon platt 
are mine? 

J. Joyce 
Dublin, Ireland 

Sirs: 

Euell Gibbons has Dutch elm dis- 
ease! Pass it on! 

The Beaver Sisters 
Detroit, Mich. 

Sirs: 
Hello, I'm Joan Crawford, with a 

message for you about the USO. I 

support the USO, and this true-life 

documentary from Germany shows 
1 why. 
j SOLDIER: Pardon me, ma'am, do 

you speak English? 

WOMAN: Nein, nein, nein. 

SOLDIER: Equals 27? 

WOMAN: Nein. 

SOLDIER: Nine plus 27? 36! 

WOMAN: Nein neins. 

SOLDIER: Multiplication, hull? 

Golly, this is exciting. Let's see. Nine 
! nines are 81, plus 36 makes 117. 

How'm I doing? 

WOMAN: Nein. 

SOLDIER: Divided by? Hmm, one 

carry the two— 13! This is so much 

to! 

WOMAN: Anf Wiedersehen. 
SOLDIER: Thanks for the good time. 
As you can see, the girls at USO 
keep our soldiers away from home 
mentally fit and emotionally stable. 
Won't you support the USO? Thanks 
ever so much, 

Joan Crawford 
c/o Pan Am Airways 

Sirs: 

You know those parts in movies 
where there's a guy and a pretty girl 
kissing and touching each other and 
things? / don't think that's acting. 

I think they're really getting hot 
for each other and don't care who 
knows it, I know if I were a guy kiss- 
ing Ursula Andreas without a blouse 
on I wouldn't need any smart-ass di- 
rector to yell, "Action!" 

Warner Oland 
The Emerald City, N.J. 

Sirs: 

Drink Coke in cans. It's the un- 
dildo. 

F. Arbuckle 
Hobe Sound, Fla. 



20 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




Lights lost their luster, music lost 
its bounce, and the, sleek clique bowed 
its head in grief this week when it 
learned that glamorous Mrs. Armand 
Offal, a Gotham trend-setter for dec- 
ades, had been electrocuted by a 
malfunctioning health appliance. Mr. 
Chatterbox takes this opportunity to 
pay personal homage to a great lady. 
My readers will remember Mrs. Offal 
as the confident socialite who began 
the vogue for little children some 
time ago, but Mr. Chatterbox's mem 
ories go back so much further, I re- 
member Mrs. Oftal when she was 
Irma Screech, the pretty little mani- 
curist at the Merovingian Hotel. And 



' ^neater 

Alive, happy and now recording for Capitol Records. 
Hear their new album: — s/ //^&/ 




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I remember the day when tali, dark 
Armand Offal (whose father helped 
put the crimp in bottle caps), walked 
through the revolving doors of the 
Merovingian Masseuseric — and into 
Irma's life, Innocent Irma didn't 
know Armand— or that he was the 
third richest bachelor on Central 
Park South. "All I knew," she told 
me later, "was that he had the most 
beautiful set of nails I'd ever seen.' 1 
The rest is history. A whirlwind 
courtship — a storybook wedding at 
the Universalist Church on West 75th 
— a sumptuous honeymoon in Sea 
Girt, New Jersey. All the world knew 
of Irma Offal's happiness. Yet in later 
years there was suffering, too,- Only 
a handful of friends knew how deeply 
trma grieved when her husband suf- 
fered his fatal portfolio attack some 
years ago. With typical fortitude, 
Mrs. Armand Offal assumed custody 
of her husband's frail little invest- 
ments and did her best to nurse them 
back to health, but she was never, 
never, the same. . . ■ Yes, Mr. Chat- 
terbox can say with true sincerity 
that we will all miss the bravery, the 
wit, and the beautifully groomed fin- 
gernails of glamorous Mrs, Armand 
Offal. . , , Porno on Family Showcase^ 
Mr. Chatterbox couldn't like it less, 
^. , Nose removal gaining ground 
among young moderns. Mrs. Tony 
Drew-Duff wears a clever ivory keep- 
sake box instead of her old probos- 
cis. It's all part of the swing toward 
new and different bodily orifices, 
don't you think? Or don't you? . . 
SPRING SLEDDING in question- 
able parks is the favored warm- 
weather pastime of Manhattan's cer- 
cle sportif. Breezy Brian McCon- 
nachie and his lovely Anne sled on 
butter dishes, sink mops, and patent 
leather breakfast trays. . . . It's tou~ 
jours gai> and, thanks to the useful 
friction produced when these unlikely 
objects come into contact with spring- 
time mud, it's not really dangerous. 
. . . Marvelous Mary Mitchell and 
that underwear heir are pffffffi. . . . 
Liza Minelli birthdaying at Kant's 
Korner with popular warrior Marshall 
Foch. Marsh is deep into his book 
on that whole French-German thing 
that was so big a while ago. Marsh 
says it could happen again. Mr. Chat- 
terbox says we*d be crazy not to listen 
to popular warrior Marshall Foch, . , . 
Henry Beard, top exec at N.Y.'s pres- 
tigious Trowbeard PR firm, having 
a terrible, heartbreaking spal with 
popular pace-setter Karl the Creamer: 
"He's nothing but a dumb little bit of 
chrome filled with a revolting milk- 
like additive/' Henry says bitterly. 
Karl is crushed, trying to rally his 
spirits somewhere in the Maldives. 
. . . No one is more serious about 
poker than P. J. O'Rourke. P.J. sees 

continued on page S3 



22 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 








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Produced by Paul Samwell-Smitha^^^^i^)07 National Lampoon Inc. 




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9ILLY BARMS, FoWAER SCouT. .A W£EK BEFORE Trie WEDDING &WY WaS CAPTURED 
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continued 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 25 



'(K LoLLy -mepAis pass &/ /n £ucc£$$ioN t GA/eArmR aa/^thef< , wtiu fh^^bnt wssjz .f&&M 
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26 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Now. Four Y£Af?$ £AT£R,'m&meNMfiSr& Besot ft StkwA faofrr 
SoMET/MES W THE EARLY MQRA/fM HQWlMtowez, 
BIILV THINKS-. 

(It ALL lUPP£/i/£p & 
S FASTI... HOW P)D lT\ 
, e ' HAPPEN So PAST? >■ 
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HeFtGT 



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continued 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 27 



continued 



LATGR -WAT DM Oft SoAftT QUfBR &+Vf 



&ET DR.. &L5&/V ( 




28 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



-rt> &e £*N'f//vo££> 



Produced by James William Guercio 












i,;L< 






Much more 
Chicago. 






Chicago VII. A new 2-record set 
On Columbia Records** andTapes 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



CA.UUBW '*VAPC*Sflt5 rtin'fh.'fllSA 




Dear Diary > 

The sky is grey here in Baltimore. 
The birds peck disconsolately at the 
bare, brown winter earth. The nursery 
Is silent save for Spiggy 's intermit- 
tent tapping as it echoes through 
empty rooms. My pedal pushers don't 
fit any more. Darn those Big Macs, 
What a day. Yuk. 

It's true, dear Diary, the cx-aux- 
iliary First Housewife of the land has 
a bad. case of the Monday morning 
blues, driving me once again to drink 
devx) of your kind companionship. 

You may well wonder, too, why I 
am disguising your comforting pages 
in this worn and tattered Love Ma- 
chine cover. Well, ever since that 
horrible Mr. Jewartsky tried to su- 
peony you to find corrugations of that 
disgusting Mr. Dean's testimoni (a 
pack of fibs, I'm sure) about Dick 
giving Mr, Vespa the Bonomo Canal 
in exchange for those little Guaca- 
molian girls I've had to brown bag 
my innermost thoughts, particularly 
the ones about what Dick did with 
those poor little 

Oops. There I go again running off 
at the nib about matters better left 
unBicYl. And speaking of such mat- 
ters, his nibs has been scratching and 
typing away like a bandit ever since 
Mr, Hefner dropped by with the 
cash advance for Spiggy 's new novel 
(which came not a minute too soon, 
let me tell you. When a family runs 
into straightened circumstances you 
sure find out who your friends are, 
and the Safeway, Dart Drug, Kor- 
vettes, and the Pay-Now Collection 
Agency better not expect any Christ- 
mas cards from you-know-who.) , 

When "the Hef* came by last 
Thursday to sec how the magnavox 
edipus was coming along, I'm afraid 
Spiggy was somewhat "out of it" as 
Kim used to say before she stopped 
talking again. (If I've told her once 
I've told her twice to lay off those 
funny M & M's with all the LSMPT 
in them . . . spoilt her appetite and 
her marks something awful) When 
Mn Hefner arrived, Spiggy was still 
in the funny white jacket with the 
longish arms to keep him from streak- 
ing through the Library of Congress? 
again ("Men are just great big boys." 
Mrs, J.A., Baltimore, Md.) but I'm 



30 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



sure that once Dr. Meyers takes him 
off the Seconals he'll be his old iras- 
cible self again in afro-negro time. 
(There goes another "tap;** I prom- 
ised Spiggy that if he finished the 
sentence he started yesterday by 
lunch there' d be Pop-Tarts for des- 
i sert — which is how he gets Dr. 
I Meyer's medication, just between 
you, mc, and the compost) 

Spiggy, nevertheless, has weathered 
I this Watergate mess a lot better than 
I certain Chief Executives I could 
i mention who a little bird named 
! Martha told me has to have silicon 
in iections just to keep his jowls from 
collapsing under the strain before 
she went awk and the phone went 
click and the line went dead. Dick's 
head looks so much like a wrinkled 
leftover baked Mr. Potato Head that 
it makes me positively noxious just 
to watch his darn -itao-hell press 
conferences on the teevee if you'll 
pardon my French. (Miss Tillinghast 
never did, but those B-plusses in 
Home Ec kept me on the Honor Roll 
a lot longer than certain wrinkled- 
up potato-faced Presidents I could 
mention kept a certain family in Pop- 
Tarts.) 

The book, Mr, Hefner said when 
he read the first chapter, is going to 
be a real trussbuster, although the 
only mention Spiggy has made of that 
dried -up old rig Mrs, Longworth's 
father that / recall is about how a 
certain "Mrs. Jacqueline Molasses" 
and a certain "Mrs. Thelma Patricia 
Potato Head" get caught in a com- 
promising position (over a leather 
chair, as I recall) with certain Gua- 
camolians and some bull ineese. 

I hope Ladies Home Journal doesn't 
print that particular passage, and of 
course any resemblance to real or 
actual persons living or giving you 
that impression is purely aceiden tal- 
on-purpose, if you catch my drifting. 
(Mr, Scrl ing from the now denunked 
Famous Writers' School always took 
points off for digressions, but since 
Spiggy 's unmentionable difficulties 
they sent them all back in a nice 
note along with another reminder 
about my back tuition. ) 

Anyway, when Mr. Hefner and 
that little chippy Barbie Whatsher- 
name arrived at the door with half 

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



of her bosoms hanging out (the other 
half were in Hef's hands) , I wheeled 
Spiggy in and we sat down for a nice 
chat and a Pepsi. (Mr. Hefner had 
a case delivered before he arrived so 
he could wash down the little pep- 
me-up M & M's he gobbles like bridge 
mix.) He said it was to steady his 
nerves, but after every handful he 
kept chugging the Pepsis without tak- 
ing the caps off first. Crunch crunch 
crunch until I had a splitting micrin 
headache and Spiggy woke up . . . 
which was too bad because one look 
at B.B/s TTs and Dr. Meyers had to 
come and put Spiggy back in his 
funny white windbreaker. Anyway, 
what does that puffy little pap-tart 
have that I don't, in spades?) 

Also, Spiggy's literary agent at the 
Phillip Morris Agency — a wonderful 
little man named Jacobs who I think 
still accidentally has a number of my 
teaspoons and one of my silver egg- 
cups is missing too — says it's going 
to be another Seven Days in May or 
even longer before we get our 10 per- 
cent of the movie rights. 

All joking aside, which is what that 
was mostly (Print Hint #4: "A little 
" laughter leavens the leanest prose." 
7L Serling) f Spiggy is still debating 
I what to title his novel. So far he's 
I come up with Man in the Middle, 
1 The Spig Picture, Plumbers' Help- 
ers, Drums Along the Potomac, The 
Making of a World Football League 
(that was Mr, Sinatra's), and /, a 
Veep. I personally favor Nix on 
| Agnewnasties t although nobody else 
does. 

And speaking of spig deals, my 
worse half and Frankie have been 
meeting at the Cocky-Locky Motel 
regularly to discuss possible little 
jobs for Mr. A. when the book is 
finally finished — which will be around 
2009 if he doesn't start taking his 
Pop-Tarts straight pretty soon, (I 
just heard two taps one right after 
the other! Unfortunately that usual- 
ly means he's just hit them both by 
accident . . . I'll go in and help him 
unjam his thumb if he doesn't wake 
I up by the time the typewriter makes 
I its little ding.) Spiggy was using an 
electrical but after a couple of mickey 
finnicky Pop-Tarts he's liable to get 
his tie caught in the roller again and 
type something like "The vice (sic) 
President gripped the little Guaca- 
molian girl in his vicelike (sick) grip 
as she inflamed his nose and ears 
with fiery French necking" and if I 
hadn't caught him in time Spiggy 
would have pornografted his Adam's 
apple right to the ribbon. It's going 
to be a real potbroiler, mark my laun- 
dry. 

Except for Mr, Sinatra and Mr. 
Hefner, however, those fairweather 
kaffekla tellers have flown the ship and 

continued on yutte 82 



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While lfapins his psvotep poztN through the pesert, somo'&o/? has once- more piep 

THS PBATH* NCW HIS 5eATtFIC BOE?Y 19 BROUGHT UNT£> THE M=*Y <T/ry OF JgAU&ALmM 

FOR THE APPOINTEP TIME , - - 




MEANWHILE, IN A BACK RCCWS 



THE ONLY PEOPLE I SEEM 
AROUNC? HERE WHO LOOK 
JWV/W/ARETH&, 
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ANYTIME / 



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TU& 0IWNC ARGtfA OP LUMHUU $OUP OHCE ASAtN INSPIRE* THE WOti'PftOUZ 

IN TH£ P£ WON OF FL AT0U$H fMHSfflVAX, Tj? 
A&AfAffJ* an/in . — \*f* 

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FIRST PISS ON THE 
A CHICKEN SOUPi 



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WITH thb RrruAt- 

OWNIFOTENT RESULT. 




Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




'BEING TUB #oaep#EPe£MB& AT TH^ V^ftYStfTES 0F THE W£>LYC/T/, THF BE- 
NIGHTED HEB£EW& BESOiGB! THEIR A&E'OLE? F&L/CY OF EXILB ANO EXCLUSI- 
VITY HA* FINALLY /WrfTt/iQtfC?. ^THEIR ££N7URig* OF SfTTJMS IN THE WAITING 
ROOn OP SALVATION MAVfi? FINALLY PA1D0FF... THB M&$£fAH IS COMB / 
R5R THE pftST T//V1E IN ifOOO Y&AG$ t THE WARMTH C>F SELFLESS CHARITY 
COURSES THRC?U&H THEJR VEINS- - WITH f NO STRfN&S ATTACHG& / 



POCWfL 
£TAW 
JOIftj 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



MEAN WHILE, AT A NEAffSV 
AIRP5PRT, A ^PffXAfN KC?tfc 
TCUR 16 £OWN<& TO A LC*k£ 
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PITIOM Z THE POPULAR- CtitTUGf 

TPADfTlSN Z is IT, (NFACT, THE ENP OF 

€&rrfiA&tGrtc»NS /a/ ts&mb alto- 

&BTH0& ? C?C*fT AVSS Ot/ft NBXT 
SfBYUNm ISHf 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




get it all...like it is! 



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Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 





Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Ine. 



Cock Tales 



O 



I 

The telephone rang, loud as a fire 
alarm. To Bernie Boom-Boom, snooz- 
ing stoned on the sofa, his mind drift- 
ing 1 off through Middle Earth some- 
where, the sound was like twin jets 
of ice water shot in his ears. 

"Okay, fuck you, I'm corning!" 
Bernie called to the phone, He shook 
his head to clear it, which was the 
approximate equivalent of shaking a 
jar of muddy water in order to see 
better through it, and stood up. On 
its fourth ring, Bernie reached the 
phone and put his hand on the re- 
ceiver. Then he paused. There were a 
number of persons, mostly individuals 
to whom he owed money, with whom 
it would make little sense to speak. 
On the other hand, his caller just 
might be someone who owed him 
money, or, better yet, one of his girl 
friends wanting to come over and sit 
on his face, What to do, wlrnt to do. 
As the phone initiated its seventh 
ring, Bernie lifted the receiver and 
said hello. 

"Hello, is this Mr. Boom-Boom?" 
Well, the voice was female and very 
sexy. Surprise! 

"Why, yes, this is Mr, Boom- 
Boom," said Bernie, wagging his eye- 
brows roguishly. "What can I do for 
you?" 

"Well, this is Miss Morgan, Mr. 
Boom-Boom. From the telephone 
company?" 

Bernie's rakish smile inverted. Shit. 

"Uh, I suppose this is about my 
bill?" Among his many creditors, the 
telephone company had been the most 
predatory. For the last month, a cer- 
tain Mr. DeReimer had been calling 
him every other day, first asking, 
then importuning, finally demanding 
that his bill be paid. Of late, a strange 
paranoia-inducing tone had entered 
the man's voice and Bernie had 
sensed veiled threats. Well, at least a 
woman's voice would be an improve- 
ment. 

"Yes, I'm afraid it is about your 
bill, I hate to harass you in your 
home, Mr. Boom- Boom, but it's my 
job to remind you. You're four months 
overdue, you know." 

"I know, I know," said Bernie. 
"You people never let me forget for 
long. What happened to Mr. De- 
Reimer, by the way?" 

"Oh, he's been transferred to Cor- 



by Chris Miller 

poratc Accounts. I think the company 
decided he was a little . . . strident, 
and that they could catch more flies 
with sugar than with vineffar." She 
paused. "Uh, I hope you don't take 
that to mean I think of you as a fly, 
Mr. Boom- Boom." 

Bernie laughed. He kind of liked 
this Miss Morgan. Maybe he could 
bullshit her, "No, I don't take it that 
way, I know you have your job to do. 
You see, here's the problem: I'm a 
musician in a group and these two 
record companies are suing eacli 
other to find out which owns us and 
in the meantime all our money is 
frozen. But they'll be settling it with- 
in a week or two and then I'll be 
mailing in the entire amount I owe 
you. So do you suppose you could 
carry me for just a couple more 
weeks? Please?" 

"A group? Really? Which one?" 
Miss Morgan suddenly sounded ex- 
tremely interested. 

"Why, uh, the Scumbags. You 
know, we're one of those ..." 

"The Scumbags?? I love the Scum- 
bags! I see you all the time at the 
Mercer Center for Bisexual Deca- 
dence of the Forties! Which one arc 
you, Mr. Boom-Boom?" 

This was working even better than 
he'd expected. Miss Morgan seemed 
to have forgotten all about his bill 
He'd have to remember this musician 
bit, use it again sometime. "Which 
one am I? Why, I'm the . . . bass 
player." 

"The bass player? That's incredi- 
ble! Do you know how many nights 
I've stood almost next to you, just 
staring? But I thought your name was 
johnny Farts. . . ." 

"Oh, right, Johnny Farts, That's 
my stage name. I mean, how would 
it sound if they announced r On bass, 
Bernie Boom-Boom?" That's not dec- 
adent at all. Besides, it sounds like 
a drummer's name." 

Miss Morgan giggled. "Wow," she 
said, "I can't believe I'm talking to 
you. All my friends think you're the 
sexiest Scumbag of all." 

"Heh hen," said Bernie. "And what 
about you? What do you think?" 

"Me? God, I think you're the sex- 
iest man I've ever seen!" 

"Really? That's what you think?" 

"Oh, yes. All that long blond hair 
and . . ." 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



"And what?" 

"Mr. Hoom-Boom, I just realized. 
I shouldn't be talking to you like this. 
I mean, I called to , , ," 

"Call me Bernie. And what?" 

Her voice dropped an octave, be- 
came soft and flirtatious. "And that 
big lump in your pants." 

"In my . . ." 

"Mmmm, yes, that's why X stand 
so close to you when you play. So I 
can see it thrust against your jeans 
when you move your hips." 

Bernie glanced down into his lap. 
She was right, there was a big lump 
in his pants. And she was giving it to 
him. He wondered suddenly what 
time she got off work. "Uh, Miss 
Morgan, I wonder if , , ,?" 

"Call me Mitzi. You know what I 
think about when I see it, Bernie?" 

"No. No, I don't, Mitzi. What do 
you think about?" 

"I think about sucking it. I think 
about running my tongue all up and 
down it while I'm tickling your balls 
with my fingernails." 

Oh . . . yeah? He certainly hadn't 
been expecting anything like this 
when he'd answered the phone. His 
erection was threatening to burst his 
fly, like a battering ram at the doors 
of a castle. He adjusted it to a more 
comfortable position and licked his 
lips. 

"Uh, Mitzi, maybe we could got to- 
gether tonight. And, you know . . ." 

There was a long pause. Was he 
going too fast for her? Had he blown 
it? 

"Bernie?" 

"Yeah?" 

"We don't have to wait until to- 
night" 

"You mean you can come over 
now?" 

"No, I mean . . . unscrew the ear- 
piece of your phone," 

"Unscrew the . . ." 

"The earpiece of your phone. You 
know, that circular piece of black 
plastic you hear my voice coming 
from?" 

"But I don't, ..." 

"Bernie, just do it. Trust me." 

"Uh, okay. Hold on." He took the 
receiver from his ear and, with some 
difficulty, began unscrewing the ear- 
piece. After several turns, it came 
loose in his hand. lie caught his 
breath sharply. Inside the mouth- 

cantinaed on page 56 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 41 



The Gahan Wilson 
Horror Movie 
Pocket Computer 



Do you find yourself sitting blearily 
night after night before your sputter- 
ing television set, compulsively watch- 
ing yet another inept vampire saga 
flicker on into the small hours, unable 
to turn the damned thing off, cursing 
feebly at the Forced buffooneries of 
the cloddish, sleazily-shrouded master 
of ceremonies, grinding your teeth in 
embarrassment at permitting your 
mind to be fouled by the ads for Elvis 
Presley albums and truck driving 



o graveyard 



a remote castle 



fi r nging storm 



Wulpurtjis Naehl 



goes exactly 

where everybody 

to id her not to 

go and 



opens 




42 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



academies, eating far more cashews 
than are good for you, and knowing 
all along that you fully intend to stay 
up for yet another ghastly film after 
this one has finally petered itself oul? 
Then you, you poor bastard, are suf- 
fering from one of mankind's most 
debasing and humiliating afflictions 
— you are a horror movie addict 

There is no cure for this condition 
— I wish to God there were — but there 
is a way to divert the insatiable appe- 



tite for insulting drivel which plagues 
victims of this vile disease, and that 
is to carry at all times the Gahan 
Wilson Horror Movie Pocket Com- 
puter shown below. When, as usual, 
the pathetic wretch finds himself star- 
ing at some dreadful film about am- 
bulatory mummies, all he need do is 
pull o\it the Computer, locate the 
position on it analogous to the dismal 
epic unfolding itself before him, and 
read through to any The End point 



he fancies, He will then find he can 
stand without aid, actually turn his 
set off, and go directly to bed. Thanks 
to the Gahan Wilson Horror Movie 
Pocket Computer, easily one of this 
century's greatest scientific and phil- 
anthropic achievements, he will have 
replaced hours of appalling bondage 
with one joyful glance at this wonder- 
ful device. D 



a quainl village 



one of (hose European countries 



Wisconsin 



during 



a heavy log 



tin urine ly n1»: 



I he celebration of 
Ihe grape harvest 



a hunchbacked 



a (some) horrid 

t:rt?;siui(i(s) 



die(S) 
gruesumely 



desiroy(s) 



create(s) 



is (arc) 

lerrified 

by 



after 



ir 




4 


a (some) 
horrid c malum (6) 




h number nf people 




1 




+ 




f 



Ihe local 
authorities 



ihe 
hidden 
lair or 



1 




* strange forces ol nature ailack 



but they survive for a sequel 



3E 



(The End?) 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 43 




what a 
shape!.. 



what a 
sound!. 




\ 



*>&i 



$&* 



*»&** 



LIKE THE SIRENS OF ANTIQUITY, 
PICKERING'S OA-3 HEADPHONES 
ARE IRRESISTIBLE IN SHAPE 
AND SOUND 

• REVOLUTIONARY. So slender. So light. 
So comfortable to use. 

• SOUND PERFECTION- You have to listen to believe 
—but the specs listed below should give you an inkling, 

• OPEN AIR, Enjoy the sound. Yet, be part of what's 
going on around you. That's the big thing about "open air" 

• VERSATILE. Comes with a special adapter for use 
with Portable Radios, TV Sets and Tape Recorders. 

• PREDICTION, The OA~3 will be the favorite 
component in your hi-fi stereo system. 

• PRICE. $39.95. 



EXPANDED LISTENING ENJOYMENT. Just plug the 
special adapter into the earphone jack of any Mono 
Cassette Recorder, Portable Radio or TV Set and plug 
the OA-3 into the special adapter and enjoy total sound 
reproduction everywhere you go. 



SPECIFICATIONS: 



Electrical 

FlBSIUGIIlV flUilMJIIHf 

Scntilnrity 



INDOOR RECEIVER 




20-20,000 HZ 

105.1 Than V,t*. m HO nil SPL' 

100 DO SPL' @ 10 Volin tnpu! 

(fi i kh/_ lot oscft channel 

inpui UBfB&Um tSOHM * 10% @ I WO 

Muimiim F*cirmi jjitilo 

Rowof inpul ? Waw. fWJS P.« t:h.,,ii,j)i 



li.M'-.ihn n 

HHdMAA 

Ett Cushions 
G&fd Length 



PICKERING 



Mechanical 

JiV Mftai Ompniaam ovnamit Hioh 

Vo'oc.It EMNM«i| 

E*(«nd.A v |iiEf htKfband with lull p„oi 

ytmos and pitiOao vinvl t«»0f 

Spit Vinyl Cnvfiritf Foam 

10' Crtendod. 3 ComJutlw call coid 

with mo1do<J no.biojk taftftealgi 

isoj (Mflhtitf ceid) 

•SPL— Sturm jb'cssuso toyjrf 



For further information 
Pickering & Co.. Inc. , Dept. N. write 
101 Sunnyside Bnulfivnrrt. Pfainvlew. 
Nuw York 11303 



'far those who can hear the difference" 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



MY OWN STAMP ALBUM-Continued 

written and illustrated by Bruce McCall 



Bolivia 



U.S.A. 





1947 100-peso airmail issue commemorates 
Bolivian takeover by Gen. Varga Y Vargas 
Varga but Varga was taken ever before stamp 
could be finished. 






Inventor of the electric chair, Q.Forbes 
Kroger, is honored in this 5-cent U.S. 
stamp commemorating seventy-five 
years of the hot squat. 



France 



POSTES FRANCE 




POSTES FRANCE 




French triple issue of 1928 honors Paris-Rio aviator Nongussier (/eft). Paris-New 
York ffyer Framboise [cantor), tragic collision of Nongussier and Framboise (right), 



Japan 






Zippy Zip-Code Sez; 
" 1 001 5670089765300899437! 




Reminder: We'll do lots better 
if you just don't mail that letter! 



Graphic simplicity high- 
lights 1945 Japanese 32- 
yen stamp marking fiftieth 
anniversary of Japanese 
Red Cross. 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL, LAMI'UON 45 



After you buy 
the album, open the 

E" icket and make sure 
ere's a record inside. 

The "Rock r 

Roll Animal" is a 
bitch to contain 



vj^to 




The live recording of 
Lou Reed's concert 
at the Academy of Music. 

Wild! 



ROli 

MimAL 



Produced by Lou Reed and Steve Kntz 
ImC/l Records and Tapes 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



lardo da Vincf 
Undiscovered NotebookAfolume 





4/ft stC 







Zrtcivtoi. 







Wg&WL trUiumnii U*i Atmu,**? 



continued 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 47 




V 











9l\ 







Una iWCM" 



& dma 








UcAeflbL 






43 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



'4*0*4 







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v 






-vn, - 




Una, t dmd& 4tim^ml 

/mis 4Mnt< i 






i 



i/ 







£m 




w 




-> r — J^ 



pateAatMC 









cnntlnuad 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 49 



m& fxl tamote 









w 



JuutvU 



9 



Mem 



MM, 






ptttH 



\6lqp 




* 



4 



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50 NATION AT, LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




NATIONAL LAMPOON 61 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



continued 




52 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




SEESKDS 



iJXiJtLiLXJ* 





continued 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATION AT, LAMPOON 6* 



continued 




54 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




The finest 

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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



continued fwm uuec 4t 

piece was a mouth! 

Bernie blinked his eyes several 
times and shook his head but. when 
he looked again, the mouth was still 
there. Or rather a pair of lips, faintly 
iipsticked and beestung, in the Pent- 
housa manner. He tried to say some- 
thing but the worcls choked off in his 
throat. 

Then the lips smiled, and a glis- 
tening pink tongue emerged to lick 
them wetly, 

"Yah!** cried Bernie, and dropped 
the receiver on the floor, 

"Pick me up! Pick me up!" called 
the phone. 

Bernie hastened to do so. Holding 
the receiver gingerly between thumb 
and forefinger, he stared into the ear- 
piece and tried to think of something 
to say. 

"What kind of shit is that/ 1 de- 
manded the lips, "dropping mc before 
you even get to know me? Maybe 
you'd like to get back to your phone 
bill." 

"No, no, no/' assured Bernie. "I'm 
sorry. You startled me. I didn't ex- 
pect . . ." 

"Well, it's okay,*' said the lips, 
mollified, "No harm done. Except . . . 
I'd feel a lot better if you held me 
more tightly." 

Swallowing, Bernie wrapped his 
fingers around the receiver. It felt 
warm against his skin. 

"MmmmnV* said the phone, "Now 
hold me closer." 

"Uh . . . ," said Bernie, He slowly 
brought the receiver back against the 
side of his face, 

"That's the idea," said the lips, 
softly brushing his earlobe. "Now, 
how do you like this?" And Bernie 
felt the tongue slide wetly into his 
ear. 

"Yah!" he cried again. He ripped 
the phone from his ear and a long 
strand of saliva sagged like a jump 
rope between him and the earpiece. 

"Don't drop me! Don't drop me!" 
piped the phone. 

"I won't drop you," said Bernie, 
"It's just that you keep taking me 
by surprise. Actually, that felt very 
nice." 

The lips smiled, "Want lo feel 
something nicer?" 

"Uh, sure," said Bernie. 

"Then kiss me." The lips puckered 
expectantly. 

Good Lord! Well, he'd done weirder 
things in his time. Although he 
couldn't think of any right now. Gath- 
ering the receiver in both hands, lie 
brought the earpiece to his mouth 
and pressed the lips tenderly against 
his. 

The lips responded, shyly at first, 
then with growing passion, Bernie 
had n&ver experienced a kiss quite 
like it. Then the tongue entered his 



mouth like a sweet, hot fish, search- 
ing for sustenance, and his sense of 
shock at the circumstances began 
rapidly to segue into lust. Finally* 
he pulled the receiver away, "Wow/' 
he murmured, "Listen, let's get high." 

"Good," said the lips, panting light- 
ly. "But hurry." 

Bernie placed the receiver in his 
lap and hegan rolling a joint. He 
couldn't remember when he'd felt so 
turned on. As he -was licking the 
number closed, he felt the phone 
playfully nipping at his dong through 
his pants. Hurriedly, he lit up and 
thrust the j into the earpiece. 

The phone took a long toke and 
held its breath. So did Bernie. After 
four or five such hits each, he laid 
the roach in the ash tray, 

"Kiss me hard," said the phone. 

Bernie didn't have to be told twice. 
He pushed the earpiece against his 
mouth and kissed the lips hard. 

"Mmmmm," they said. The phone 
cord began to spiral around his thigh, 
snaking sensuously against him. "Feel 
me, feel me good," begged the lips. 

Feel her? Feel what? With a men- 
tal shrug of the shoulders, Bernie 
placed the body of the phone in his 
lap and hegan to caress it. 

"Ohhhhh," said the lips. 

Then Bernie's hand moved through 
the cradle and his fingers brushed 
one of the plastic hang-up buttons. 

"OHHHHHHHHHHH," said the 
lips. 

Oh, really? He went back to the 
button, took it between thumb and 
forefinger, and rolled it in small, os- 
cillating circles. 

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, 1 ' 
said the lips. "OH MY GOD!" 

Bernie jerked his hand away. Had 
he hurt her? 

"God, I just came," said the lips. 
"You've got me hearing beeper tones. 
What was in that dope?" The phone 
sighed happily. "But then you rock 
stars always get the best dope." 

"Rock stars?" The dope had also 
done a number on Hemie's head. 
"Oh, yeah, rock stars. Got the biggest 
cocks, too," he said casually, 

"I don't believe you," the phone 
teased. "Show me." 

"Show you? You can see?" 

"No, but I think I can estimate 
pretty well . . , with my mouth," 

"Oh, yeah?" said Bernie, and be- 
fore he'd finished the *yesh* his pants 
were down to his knees and his cock 
was jutting from his lap like a starved 
stork straining for food. "Estimate 
away/' he told the phone and 
brought the ear well of the receiver 
slowly over the head of his cock. The 
tips shmwerped out to meet him, 
then sucked him in like a fat spa- 
ghetti strand. 

"Glmph!" said the phone, and its 



tongue began to describe rapid circles 
around Bernie's German helmet. It 
felt as if he'd stuck himself into the 
center of a spinning car wash brush 
made from liver, The sensation was 
so intense it was almost unbearable. 
In fact, it was unbearable, all tease 
with none of thai cross-shaft mas- 
sage so vital to coming. He tried to 
jam himself further into the receiver, 

"MMLKPT! STPPM!" screamed 
the phone, as best it could. Startled, 
Bernie pulled the receiver clear. 
"Nine one one! Nine one one!" the 
lips cried. "Police, fire, emergency!" 

"Hey, shush," said Bernie. "I'm 
sorry. I got carried away. You were 
driving me crasy." 

"Who do you think I am, Linda 
Lovelace?" demanded the phone, 
"You can see how skinny my neck 
is." 

"I said I was sorry. Listen, I've 
got to fuck you," Bernie's balls were 
throbbing like small hearts. "You've 
got to come over here right away." 
He gave one of her hang-up buttons 
a twist to place emphasis on his re- 
quest. 

"Anh! Anh!" responded the lips, 
"God, yes; I want to fuck you too, 
Bernie. And I don't have to come 
over. Unscrew my base-plate. Hur- 
ry!" * 

This time Bernie asked no ques- 
tions. He took the body of the phone 
from his lap and turned it upside 
down. The base plate was held in 
place by two small screws, Bernie 
went to work with his fingernail. 

"Hurry," said the phone, "Please 
hurry." Thick, funky juices were be- 
ginning to ooze from several small 
holes in the base plate to make hot 
trails on Bernie's wrist. The first 
screw came loose and he moved to 
the second. He felt clumsy as a school- 
boy dealing with his first bra clasps. 
His fingernail broke so he switched 
ringers. At last the screw pulled free 
and the base plate fell away. 

An afro of pubic hair burst forth, 
and great clouds of fishy perfume. 
Bernie blinked and pulled the phone 
closer. Deep within the hair, almost 
buried by it, pink labia twinkled, 

"Fuck me!" cried the phone, "Oh 
fuck me, fuck me!" 

In a steamy frenzy, Bernie propped 
the receiver upside down between 
his head and neck, so that he could 
kiss the lips. With his other hand, he 
slid the phone slowly over his dong, 
well over it, all the way down, It felt 
incredible. He groaned and began 
moving himself slowly in and out, 
in and out. . . 

There was a click. 

The lips went dead beneath his, 
dead as plastic, A small, mechanical 
whine started from the body of the 
phone. Bernie fired his glance to his 



56 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



groin, just in time to witness the 
metal claw device complete its en- 
circlement of his swollen balls, 

"Now, Mr. Boom-Boom," said Mr. 
DeReimer's loud, male voice from the 
receiver, "about that overdue bill . . ." 



ii 

Wilbur the Wimp thought of his 
cock as a pressure valve. 

That is, when Wilbur felt tension 
accumulating as a foreshadow of some 
upcoming event, he would vent his 
anxiety by masturbating. If, say > he 
had to make a crucial presentation 
to senior executives at the office, he 
would dash wildly into the men's 
room a short time before and flail 
away in a toilet stall, only to emerge 
moments later, the very picture of 
coolness and self-possession. When it 
was up to him to captain his two- 
man badminton team to victory at 
the local Y, he would feel more and 
more uptight all afternoon until final- 
ly, just before the game, he would 
beat off into a handkerchief in the 
rear of the locker room and then 
stride manfully onto the court. Thus 
it was that when he finally obtained 
a date with Jug-City Sharon, the in- 
credibly desirable bartender at Dr. 
Depravity's, and had by seven o'clock 
become so uptight that his intestines 
fell Lied in a knot, he naturally as- 
sumed that the thing to do was beat 
the meat 

Since fiharon didn't get off work 
until eight, there was no need to rush 
things, to employ the simple zip- 
jerk techniques he was forced to use 
in public places. So what would it be 
tonight? The liver and vibrators? The 
electric plastic vagina he had mail- 
ordered from Amsterdam? No, wait, 
he had it: the vacuum cleaner! He 
hadn't used the vacuum cleaner in at 
least Lwo weeks. Not only did it do 
the job slowly and well, it also dis- 
posed of the consequences without 
the need for Kleenex or towels, The 
vacuum would be the very thing. 

So he went to the closet where he 
kept his brooms and mops and floor 
wax, removed the vacuum cleaner, 
and carried it into the living room. 
It consisted of a squat canister on 
wheels and a flexible hose of accor- 
dioned plastic, some six feet in length. 
The all-purpose rug-floor nozzle he 
removed and set aside. 

He plugged the machine into the 
wall and himself into the soft rub- 
beroid hose end. Taking a scat on 
the sofa, he closed his eyes and 
nudged the kick switch with his toe. 
The vacuum cleaner roared to life 
and his flaccid dong began to fibril ■ 
late furiously in the hose, making a 
loud fart noise. Quickly, though, his 
member became hard and the fart 



noise turned high-pitched, like the 
noise made by kids blowing through 
empty Good & Plenty boxes. The cozy 
hose (or, if you prefer, the hosey 
cooz) snuggled and tore at him. He 
began to fantasize* imagining Jug- 
City Sharon in place of the vacuum, 
watching her breasts orbit the axis 
of her chest like twin Comet Ko- 
houteks, only unlit. And much big- 
ger. Oh, it was being a wonderful 
beat-off! 

Then the vacuum cleaner made a 
loud coughing sound and, with a 
blam, blew oft its lid, Wilbur snapped 
his eyes open. The exposed motor 
was belching brown smoke, through 
which red flames licked. What was 
more, his cock was being sucked with 
ever-increasing force, deeper and 
deeper into the hose, Good Lord, 
thought Wilbur, 1 better ditch! He 
kicked the switch with his foot. Noth- 
ing happened! If he didn't act fast, 
he'd be able to get a job guarding a 
harem. Launching himself from the 
sofa, he tore the electric cord free 
of the wall. The motor stopped 
abruptly, and with it, the seven hun- 
dred mile- an- hour winds that were 
occurring within the hose. Whew, 
thought Wilbur. Crackle crackle, went 
the flames: Whoops, thought Wilbur. 
He ran for the bathroom, dragging 
hose and canister bumpily after him. 

Flinging the shower curtain aside, 
he spun knobs until the water was 
going full blast, then dumped the 
canister into the tub. Emitting a 
mighty hiss and a cloud of vile- 
smelling smoke, the vacuum cleaner 
died. 

God, thought Wilbur. He turned 
the water off and headed for the win- 
dow to air out the room. There was 
a heavy tug at his groin. The hose 
and he were still engaged! In his rush 
to douse the flames, he'd forgotten 
all about that aspect of things. He 
reached down, took the hose in both 
hands and attempted to pull it away 
from his body. 

The hose would not pull. 

What?, thought Wilbur. He pulled 
again, harder. "Ouch?," he cried. This 
was ridiculous. How could he be 
stuck? He'd vacuumed off half a 
hundred times and never gotten stuck 
before. Then again, he'd never ex- 
perienced the jet stream effect before 
either. There was no doubt about it, 
though; he and the hose were stuck 
tight. To complicate matters, he still 
had a large hard-on and the hose-end 
was acting like one of those brass 
cock rings that were rumored to be 
used by Japanese to maintain night- 
long erections. His only hope for 
freedom was to finish beating himself 
off. 

He detached himself from the can- 
ister, went back to the living room, 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



and tried an experimental beat or 
two. But the hose, engineered not to 
collapse under conditions of severe 
suction, wouldn't give beneath his 
hand and he couldn't feel a thing. 
What was he going to do? He checked 
out the time. Seven- thirty. He began 
to panic. Maybe if he unbent a coat 
hanger and stuck it down the far end 
of the , . . no, that was stupid. Well, 
suppose he poured cold water into 
. . , no, that was stupider. But he 
had to do something. It might he 
months before Jug-City Sharon could 
find another open night to bestow on 
him. 

Maybe he should just show up with 
the hose slung over his shoulder. He 
could explain that he was just com- 
ing from a costume party, to which 
he had gone as a gas pump. He 
wouldn't actually have to give gas, 
due to the shortages, and ... no no 
no, what was he thinking? He must 
be getting hysterical. No, the only 
thing to do was somehow hide the 
whole Lhing under his clothes. 

So Wilbur took the hose and coiled 
it around and around itself until he 
had created a tight plastic spiral 
around the central point of his groin. 
But as soon as he let it go, it un- 
wound violently, its metal coupling 
end almost slugging him in the jaw. 
He'd have to hold it in place some- 
how. He rewound the spiral and this 
time bound it securely to his body 
with long strips of masking tape. 

Now to dress. Underpants were 
out, obviously. It would take a pair 
of drawers designed for Haystack 
Calhoun to contain both him and the 
coil. In fact, how was he going to get 
into any of his pants? Then he re- 
membered the old pair of trousers his 
father had given him once as a sar- 
castic comment on the tightness of 
his son's jeans. It was not that his 
father had been fat but that the 
trousers were thirty years old and 
thus had pleats that mattered. He 
found them at the bottom of his old 
clothes drawer and, crossing his fin™ 
gers, stepped into them. They fit! The 
waist was just high enough and the 
pleats just sufficiently strelchable to 
cover both him and the hose. 

He checked himself out in the 
mirror. He looked pregnant! He 
couldn't take out Jug-City Sharon 
looking pregnant. He began tearing 
through his dresser, hurling clothes 
in all directions, searching for some- 
thing, anything, that would cover his 
unsightly bulge, At last he under- 
stood why all those copies of Weight 
Watchers were sold each month. 

Wait, the sweater. The baggy old 
sweater he'd bought in the antique 
shop. He pulled it over his head, . 
down over his hips, and went again 
to the mirror. He looked . . . passa- 

cuntinwd on page 60 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 'u 



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m NATIONAL JLAMPUON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc, 



I 



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raxa 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL TAMPOON 59 



continued from puge 57 

ble. Not gorgeous, but passable. Well 
, . . he glanced at the clack. Ten of, 
Jesus Christ. He darted back to the 
bathroom and scrutinized his face. 
No oozing zits, nothing stuck between 
his teeth, but his hair , . , his normal- 
ly full, curly head of hair was still 
soaking wet from the shower! 

Wilbur grabbed a towel and dried 
his hair as best he could. Then he 
combed it. He didn't much like the 
way it looked, all slicked back against 
his head, but it was an improvement. 
As a matter of fact, be didn't like the 
way any of him looked. He felt ridic- 
ulous, like a character from an old- 
time comic strip. Why tonight, God, 
Wilbur implored, why tonight? 

Bong bong bong . , , went the clock, 

Uh-oh y thought Wilbur , and headed 
out the door. Jug-City Sharon didn't 
like to he kept waiting. 

It was a warm spring night and 
Dr. Depravity's* the in singles bar 
across the street from his apartment 
building, was filled to overflowing. 
The best thing to do would be to get. 
her out of there and into a dark 
movie house where nobody could see 
him. Already he was attracting stares. 
He pushed through the milling crowd 
on the street, into the entrance. A 
large, red -faced man guarded the in- 
ner door with a eashbox and a fluo- 
rescent wrist stamp. 

"Uh, Fm not staying," Wilbur told 
him. "Fm just here to pick up 
Sharon." 

"Who are you supposed to be?" the 
man demanded. "Scott Fitzgerald?" 
He laughed coarsely and slapped his 
thigh. 

"Hey, fuck you," said Wilbur, "Do 
you think I want to be , . .?" 

"Hi, Wilbur," called a bright voice. 
Jug-City Sharon was just stepping 
through the inner door. Wilbur felt 
his knees grow weak. She looked in- 
credible. Her waist was bare and her 
very tight, very white pants con- 
trasted shockingly with the tan of her 
tummy. Her hair cascaded to her 
shoulders like an ebon waterfall; her 
moist, full, slightly parted lips were 
a blatant invitation to unknown, juicy 
places. And, most spectacular of all, 
encased in a halter that was like fat, 
burnt -orange spiderwebs, were Shar- 
on's breasts, 

Overripe is not the word. They 
strained and swung and danced like 
great fleshy hornets' nests. If they 
had been army water bags, she could 
have sustained a platoon in a desert 
for a week. And tonight, they just 
might be his to fondle and lion nee 
and get lost in. Wilbur swallowed, 
his Adam's apple feeling large as a 
movie hillbilly's. 

"Gee, Wilbur/' said Sharon, "you 
look weird tonight. What's with your 
hair?" 



f>t) NATIONAL LAMPOON 



"He t'inks he's Scott Fitzgerald," 

said the red-faced man, and roared 
anew, holding his belly with both 
hands.. 

"Why, you do look like Scott Fitz- 
gerald," cried Sharon. "Oh, Wilbur, 
I had no idea you were so now" And 
she walked up to him and gave him a 
big kiss on the lips. 

"Oh, well, heh heh," said Wilbur, 
"Gotta keep up with the times, after 
all." 

"Hrmph," said the red-faced man, 
and vanished behind his Daily News. 

"Gosh, Wilbur, I was sort of think- 
ing we'd go to the movies tonight but 
you look so fantastic we should go 
over to Sodom & Gomorrah instead, 
just to show you off." 

"Oh, uh, Sodom & Gomorrah? 
Funny, I was thinking about a movie 
too." Sodom & Gomorrah was one 
of those new, decadent night spots 
that were springing up around town. 
The chic- est, trend iest, most intimi- 
dating people in the city went there 
to dance and strut about like pea- 
cocks for one another. It was the last 
place in the world Wilbur would 
have chosen to go, especially tonight. 

"Come on, Wilbur," said Sharon. 
"You can always go to a movie, but 
you hardly ever look the way you do 
tonight." 

"Well, that's true. But that's exact- 
ly why I . . " 

"Then let's go," She pulled Wilbur 
through the door and flagged down 
a cab. 

In the warm back seat, Sharon cud- 
dled close to him and began planting 
small kisses along the line of his jaw. 
Wow, thought Wilbur, and began 
kissing back. Her lips were fantastic. 
She was fantastic. It was as if one of 
his adolescent fantasy women had 
come to life. She put her hand on his 
leg and began moving it groinward 
, , . and suddenly he felt his cock 
straining against the firm, ridged 
walte of the vacuum hose, and mask- 
ing tape beginning to tear. On the 
verge of panic, he reached down and 
gently pushed her hand away, 

She gave him a disbelieving look. 

"Not now," Wilbur improvised. 
"I'll, uh, he embarrassed to stand 
up." 

"But they like it at Sodom & Gom- 
orrah when you walk in with an 
obvious hard-on. It's stylish." 

Wilbur thought fast. "Listen, uh, 
the people who go to this place . . . 
you wouldn't describe them as a 
Republican crowd, would yon 7" 

"What? No, of course not." 

"Then it wouldn't be so hip for 
me to go as an elephant, would it?" 

Sharon chuckled throatily and re- 
garded him through lowered lashes. 
"No, I guess it wouldn't. Well, we'll 
check out your . . , trunk later," She 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



curled up under his arm, dropped a 
couple of downs and looked out a 

window. 

Shortly thereafter, Wilbur and 
Sharon were walking arm in arm into 
Sodom & Gomorrah. A wall of deaf- 
ening music engulfed them. 

"Ooh, they're playing 'Dead Bat- 
tery Vibrator Blues,' " squealed 
Sharon. "Let's dance!" 

"Uh, gee, I was thinking maybe a 
beer . . ." 

"Come on, Wilbur, you can have a 
beer later." She dragged him through 
the crowd of men in ballet tutus, 
women smoking cigars, and other in- 
dividuals of moot gender with glitter 
and purple iridescent hair. By the 
time they reached the dance floor, 
the band was just beginning a new 
number, a ballad called "Killing Me 
Softly With His Knife." 

"Mmmmm," observed Sharon, "a 
slow one." She fit herself into Wil- 
bur's arms and placed her cheek 
against his. They began to shuffle in 
small squares. To his acute chagrin, 
Sharon immediately attempted to 
grind her hips against him, In an in- 
sane, reverse parody of all those high 
school slow dances during which the 
girls eschewed groin contact, Wilbur 
found himself dancing with his ass 
humped way back in the air, 

"Don't be unfriendly," .scolded. 
Sharon, She encircled his waist with 
her arms and pulled his hips against 
her. Groin met hose coil and she 
bounced away again. 

Sharon stared at him with sudden 
new respect. "Wilbur, wow, I didn't 
realize ... 1 mean, if I'd known, I 
wouldn't have waited so long to . . ." 
She pushed her hips back against 
him, more gently this time, "Oh my 
God, Wilbur," she breathed, and held 
him* verv tight. 

"Heh heh," said Wilbur. 

He was feeling increasingly nerv- 
ous. To get his mind off his dilemma, 
he began to look at the people around 
them. It was at this point that he 
first noticed the looks they were giv- 
ing him. 

"Pretty tacky Fitzgerald/' sniffed 
a haughty blonde in Thirties clothes 
and Joan Crawford fuck-me shoes. 

"Yeah," agreed her partner, who 
was wearing a double-hreasted Clark 
Gable suit and spats. "Who's that 
little creep think he is, being so out 
of it in front of us?" 

Wilbur swallowed, feeling more 
uptight than ever. These decadence 
people were even more intimidat- 
ing than he'd expected. Yeesh, he 
thought, and buried his face in Shar- 
on's hair 

After a time, the band brought the 
ballad to a ragged close and launched 
into their current hit single, "Coal 
Chute Boogie (Kaka on My Wah- 

contittuntf on page 72 



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Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 61 





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Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



R-Ul'ESSR h3 



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The A.U.T.B.D. Newsletter 



price « 75 ce:j?5 



ACTION! 





■ mt he mvs 



"T e riLW l 777 ho cou ' <l 

■IT Off T" 



**«* COHHECTIOM I *»** 

In iouuc number 9 of the A,U,T*B.P. neweletter t vr; 
stated that the so-called Vdnland Map owned cy 
Yale University In Hieuv Haaven was a fraud and a 
hoax cooked up by the Burgher of Frisia and his 
double-breanted demons to discredit Columbus and 
give the credit to the Vijkdng Lief Van der 
Erik son, How that Mynheer Kinsman Van Dor rJrevar 
has confessed to the forgery, it is clear that 
the Dutch door-cutters have other trisky plana 
up their baggy sleeves. It's our bet that they're 
Roing to try again to foist off their lyinjT; 
story that Hendrik Hudson discovered America in 
the Breda , the Gouda , and the a ant a Meer Van Per 
pelf t « so they can lay claim to our precious in- 
lets and our vital intracons tal vnterway nvsteiti. 
Aa for Hendrlk Hudson f Just remember that he 
founded Harlen. and that the Dutch word for 
creek is "kill* 1 t 

THE HAGUE, HOLLAND, Mar, 5 The note from the Nobel Prize- 
(Reuters) — According to a source Jn winning author was received yester- 
thc Dutch government, Alexsandr day. It svas said to have contained no 
.Sol/Jicnilsyn, the exiled Russian writer, hint of Solzhenitsyn's plans, but cur- 
sent a letter to Prime Minister Johan- rent speculation Is that he will apply 
ncs den Uyl, thanking him for an in- for Norwegian citizenship, 
format invitation to stdtfc in the Neth- 
erlands and expressing his regret that . ^ t « nA „„ d ,.„4 „„ i 
he could not accept it A *i*cd-up Russian! 



\*t 



************ ******* 



So under the evil away of Prince Bernhard of 
Lippe-Biesterfeldj the Wild Beast of the Hague, 
ia America's tulip-sniffing President t Richard 
Windmlllhous Nixon, that he recently framed Vice- 
President Spiro Agnew , a staunch defender of non- 
Hollander interests , whose early opposition to 
larid reclamation ©rojecto in the Chesapeake Bay 
while Governor of Maryland marked him for d^om in 
the Bandit Prince's black book, and forced him 
to resign* 

Hot oatisficd with this bit of treachery, 
T-MJnheer Hxon then snatched Congressman Gerald 
Ford from his constituents in Grand Rapids, 
leaving Pic hard 'F, Vander Veen free to take over 
the at rat epic drainage district between Lakes 
Huron and Michigan, 

Indeed, the Nederlandcr puppets had all 
their bets covered; Opposing Van der Veen in 
the so-called "election" for control of Grand 
Rapids was none other than Robert Van der Laan t 

Do we have to wait until we hear the ter- 
rible tread of plywood footgear on our former 
lake bottoms? Are we too brainwashed by the foul 
fumes of Old Dutch Cleanser to spot these double- 
Dutch Tveedledums for the Low Country lackeys 
they are? How much longer will we allow our be- 
loved Ship of State to be turned Into a Flying 
Dutchman by Pichard Hixon -- a man whose slavish 
loyalty to the Bandit Prince Is demonstrated by 
the fact that on top of vile deeds like sending 
Hendrik Klssinnjer to kowtow to Grand Dyke 
Juliana, AS A MERE HOBBY he has diverted millions 
of dnllsrp in tax money to MODEL DRAINAGE LAYOUTS 
nt his waterfront replicas of the Soestdljk 
Palace in California and Florida where he has al- 
ready added thousands of acres of priceless 
coastal waters to his vast landholdings ! 

How that the leaks in this dike of lies has 
shown him for the hireling of Holland ho is, the 
time has come to kick him and his Dutch flunklea 
out of the White Haus with ft good American all- 
leather boot in their baggy pants I 



If you need proof thst Prince Bernhard and hla 
beer-maddened mini on a ft re confirtent that America 
is too weakened from smoking their marijuana- 
laced Dutch Slavemasters cigars, enabling their 
sickening dope-laden liquors, and sniffing their 
tulips lathered with airplane glue to resist, 
read this "patriotic song" WHICH THEY'VE ALREADY 
WRITTEN for use when they overrun our fair land;, 

beautiful for endless dikes. 
For amber waves of tulips , 
For giant windmills' majesty 
And all our beer you'll sip. 
Amaarijka, Amaarijka, the Prince will 

hold away o'er thee, 
And crown drainage scheme with 

drainage schema 
From zee to Zuider Keel 

****************** 



in Holland. 

Officials of the Dutch govern* 
ment arc concerned over the re- 
sulting reduction in revenue for 
the national airline of the Neth- 
erlands, KLM, but feel that any 
losses arc more iban made up 
for by the great increase In tour- 
ism in Holland. 



AMSTERDAM, HOLLAND, 

Jan. 17 (AP)— According to sta- 
tistics released by the Dutch Na- 
tional Tourisi Office, more and 
more foreign visitors are begin- 
ning their European tours in 
Holland. The figures show that 
900,000 tourists landed at Dutch 
airports in 1973, but only 76,000 
departed via flights originating 

Unless your mSno" has been fuddled by Lhe Vrnin- 
numblng nleuw m,nth concocted by perfidious 
arithmetic profesanrs tn the pay uf thu 3findiL 
Prince, you can easily aee that 82^,000 hinleoo 
tourists — many of them ^ond Americana -- nrt> 
at tbla very minute slaving in the bulb mines of 
Kertogenbosch, sweltering in hellish hein^ken 
breweries, or betnfi baked alive into human Delft 
figurines in the aeeret itilna of the Ogre of 
Utrecht. 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



DUTCH TREAEHERYL/UPB/WE! 




64 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NUMBER 1*3 THE A.U.T.B.D. SEWSTjETTKR MAY 10^ 




The prcmUiiii; Dutch Rules for Revalutton were iccurcd from the luxurious, tulip-strewn offices of Mynheer Duflnc Van dcr Vincent, double-dealing, would- 
be Judas of our Muvcmcnl. (For more iibout this infamous Impostor, see the A.UXB.D. Newsletter, Number 20.) 



CHICAGO, Feb. 12 (AP)-The 
National Association of Pet Food 
Manufacturers reports that 31 
percent of all dog fond sold in 
the United States in 1973 was 
flavored with cheese. One meas- 
ure of the growth in popularity 
of cheese- flavored brands is that 
in 1372. only 3 percent of the 
total sales were represented by 
pet meals with cheese flavoring. 



CINCINNATI, Dec. 14 (UP!) 
— The National Clearinghouse 
for Health Statistics released a 
report today which shows that 
the number of dog-bitings in the 
U.S. has increased fourfold in 
the last two years. The report 
attributed the increase to the 
phenomenal growth in the num- 
ber of pets in America and the 
dramatic increase in the use of 
trained watchdogs in crime pre- 
vention. 



This ia the vilest N 
van Leeuenhoek inven 
loosed the aeovirge q 
world f The Beast of 
or lumberfooted fi«n 
with powerful doses 
psy chodelft to r^oudat 
there will be wooden 
America, and our loy 
be transformed into 
waiting-for the ai«n 
suspecting masters! 
American pet become 
Avoid cheese-f lavore 
they aret 



ederlander ulo 
ted the Kern a 
r diahetes on 

Breda and his 

is lilan to mad 

of hahit-forrai 

If they h*ve 

booties on cv 
al patriotic p 
hell-heunds of 
b.1 to spring o 

Do not let yo 
ft ravening put 
d dog foods 11 



t since 

nd Lnngerhana * 

a defenceless 

rotten crew 
den our nets 
ng edan and 

their way , 

ry naw in 
ooohea will 

the Hague 
n their un- 
ur beloved 
eh devil dogt 
ke the plague 



Question s What part did Admiral of the Zee 
Rembrandt C * Hooineon play in the theft o f 
secret pauera from the White Haus and what about 
the mysterious helicopter accident in which he 
sunpnsedly died so he can*t he brought to justice? 

AnRven With a name like that, HEED YOU ASK?!! 



"John Paul G*t,ty t 6*1, probably the richest man in 
the world, has a personal oil fortune valued at 
$Ji billion. ., .Last week, (Jetty ... endowed a 
$50,000 prize through the World Wildlife Fund 
for outstanding service to conservation," 

— Time Magazine 



While Mynheer ,1 , r"aul Van d«r flatty trl«ss to get 
world sympathy by having henchmen cut off his 
grandson's ear — a familiar Dutch oloy first 
Ifried by the notorious forger, Vincent, Van flogh 
-- he rushed to bankroll the Bandit Prince's 
World Wildlife Conspiracy. GETTY 13 REVEALED AS 
Ail ENEMY OF ALL RIGHT- THINKING ArfEHXGABS, hE IS 
IN CAHOOTS WITH THE BAKE OF THE BENELUX IN HIS 
DISGUSTING PLOT TO SPEED HORDES 0^ VICIOUS CHEE- 
TAHS TO 3AVA0E OUR JfOMEfl AND CHILDREN, LOOSE 
MILLIONS OK "ENDANGERED** SEALS TO DPIIJK UP OUR 
LAKES AND P0HD5, AND BLACKEN THE SKY WITH ENDLESS 
FLOCKS OV WHOOPINd CFA??ES TO KEEP US UP ALL 
NIOIIT WlfH TKEIB INTERNAL WHOOPING I 

*********** ******* 

"Like a circle in a spiral, 
Like a wheel within » wheel, 
Never ending or beginning 
on an ever spinning reel." 

-- from The _W_in_dmilIs of Your Mind 

lyrics, by AIfui and Marilyn Ben; man 

Well, Mijnheer and Mijnvrouw Bergman, there are 
no windmills In our minds, and, If you know 
what's good for you, you'll keep that morale- 
sapping Dutch gobhledygook off our American 
radios from now on! 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



SHMBB.S h3 THE A.U.T.3.D, NEWSLETTER HAY 197'* 



ATTENTION, HOM*, DUTCH AMERICANS! USE THESK 
PHRASES TO SUPPORT A*U,T.B,D, AND FIGHT FOP 
YOUR OWN NATIONAL INTERESTS! Those of us used 
to resisting the scourge of Hollander tyrnnay 
know that you always have to be ready to put 
Low Land lackeys "in their daces" wherever and 
whenever you come across them ,--, even If they 
can't apeak Enftlishl 

Here are some vital Dutch phrases. Learn 
then and une them: 



Unhand me t you gouda-£ inhered fiendl 

Me einhcnde, u Eoude-di _' i ten fend! 

Remove that devilish drainage equipment at once* 
I'll not stand idly by while you and your cheese- 
crazed cohorts vre«k havoc oft our good American 
marshy regions I 



NEW YORK,.N,Y., Dec. 8 

(UPT) — A number of orthope- 
dists have found that the popular 
wooden platform shoes worn by 
many women can cause consid- 
erable injury to the feet, legs, and 
even the backs of regular wearers. 

Are ve going to 
wait until "the other 
shoe drops," or are 
ve going to ACT HOW? I I 



WATERBURY, CONN.. Dec. 8 
(UP!)— The American Shoe Man- 
ufacturers Association says that 
more wood was used in shoes made 
in the U.S. last year than in any year 
since 19 1 9. The group credited the 
sudden increase to the recent fad for 
platform shoes. 

The return of wood to shoe man- 
ufacturing reverses a half-century 
trend towards synthetic fibers, rub- 
ber, and composite materials, 



Q_o_t_p_orten hert dyvl.l pump en ejkvinen emmodlotl 
flftfc ue ti atande jnaraouen ven, u end ut froiyEe- 
madden kohorz f et hftvljk oon nora bunn Amerijkcn 
g varan en rej nen I 

Don't try to hook me on your disgusting opium 
tulips) T will only purchase patriotic blossoms I 

Wet, ettimpte tag hook en net obn ut repu 1st. In 
opiat tullippesl ^ag perkaaen socle vntcr- 
Ian den bloomes I 



Peddle your rotten Dutch electric raaors else- 
where, my shingle-shocd fri«ndl I p or one 
dmiH plan to let my medicine eneat door be 
cut in half or have my face hacked to pieces 
by 



cut in nan or nnvc ny iace nacitca vo pieces 

by poison-tipped blades I 

ifenden tit ratten 3e_fler lander elec?tri,lk rar.en 
[>otpiaaen» me voode-boooten keynoradt *fng unle 



Hq 






~*w\ H' J 




KT^ 








Bkl^^^fiP 






la^ J! w ' 


1^ 





ootplaaen, me voede-booote r> kcmcradl 'lag 

nen p 1 o 1 1 n < i o t n g r m 1 J t me m e d_i z 1 n k ft b * n e t o o r t e 

soet kuutcn in halve ot hebt me viaa.ln alia- 

enyciioope bit; v en oem- an dp. ft kuivjnl 

ALERT AMERICAN: 1 have some good news and some 
bad news, 

UNINFORMED CITIZEN j Give me the bad news first. 
ALERT AMERICAN* The Dutch plan for world domi- 
nation and drainage threatens to turn our beauti- 
ful country into a tulip-snarled desert and our 
people into platform-shoed zombies. 
UNINFORMED CITIZENS And the flood news? 
ALERT At'ERICAHi More and more Americans are 
waning up to this awful threat! 



PERFIDY THROUGHOUT HISTORY A 2 



Charles Van Soren 



ORY A3 



The chief conspirator in Prince Bernhard of 
Lippe-Diesterf eld ' a vile -- and nearly success- 
ful — plot to discredit television quiz shows so 
Americans would stop asking tough creations like, 
"What io the per capita consumption of Dutch beer 
in the United" Status?" and "What ia the EXACT 
size in square mile9 -- INCLUDING landfill ■■- of 
Dutch Guyana (alias Surinam)?" Son of Mark Van 
Doren, who spent his life frantically criticising 
good American literature BUT NEVER HAD ONE BAD 
WORD TO DAY ABOUT DUTCH LITERATURE! 



:;.;xx\x^OKXTxxx-{Kxxxzxxxxxxx;:x;:x^;:x;::: 4 -:x":xx^x v ' r%xxxxxxxxzxxxxx3c$£KXX%x 



xyy x r:c -o: x >:xx jcxxt k ":x:c:cx x xx 



VITAL BOOKS 

FLORAL TELEGRAPH DELIVERY! MESSENC-EHS OF DOOM, 
lead how PTD goons send Dutch eln disease-ridden 
plants throughout America in cleverly disguised 
wooden shoe planters; how they lure our children 
into lives of sloth with horrible baskets of 
habit forming chocolates filled with fluoridated 
liquers j and how they speed hapless oldsters to 
an early frrave with poiaonoua candy grama 1 . * 35 . AO 

THE SATAN3 OF SOESDIJK. The whole sickenlnR 
story of the attempt by the bandit priests of 
the Dutch Reformed Church to discredit our Lord 
and Savior because He walked on water to show 
His Contempt for landfill schemes, praised the 
lilies of the field but never mentioned tulips, 
and refused to include cheese In the Last 
Supper I,, « Sli.OO 

THE FALL 0? THE WILD, Right nov t a team of 
crack Dutch divers using hordes of ravening 
beavers they've turned into ^urry robots with 
cheese- flavored beaver fond arc constructing a 
huge dam across the key Juan de Fuca Strait in 
a plot to make Vancouver the first province of 
Dutch Canada! .,*,♦*. , «,♦$'* .00 



OIVE THEM AN INCH? Startling proof of the heinous 
Hollander plot to replace our good American miles 
with their smaller kilometers so we won't be able 
to tell how much of our precious aeacoast they've 
gobbled up! . $'* . 50 

KAPOK; THE POISON IN OUR PILLOWS, Each year, 
millions of pounds of this deadly mass of silky 
fibers from the lethal seeds of the silk-cotton 
trees of the "former" Dutch West Indies are 
stuffed into our cushions and pillows, where they 
sloviy emit their deadly fumes while we 
sleep! , , MMMHMii .$2.00 

CHARIOTS OF THE GOUPA? This book unmasks the 
insidious propaganda of Erich von DaniKen , who 
is spreading the lying nonsense that the Earth 
was visited in ancient times by a race of super 
Dutchmen in flying windmills ,,,, $3*50 

XAVIETU HOLLANDER! HARPY OF THE HAGUE , The tale 
of the mistress o^ the Dutch smut mill, Del 1ft 
Press „ who spread Dutch elm disease to unsus- 
pecting men lured by h**r horrid charms and mes- 
merized by her hypnotic Pennsylvania Dutch 
quilts into performing nameless acts . . ■ . $o. 00 

VAN HKUSEH: COLLARS 0* OPPRESSION t *,* * ...•-.. $k * 50 

THE FLfcMSi DUTCH IN DISOUISE OR HIDDEN 
HOLLANDERS 7 , . ,......,,.., 53 . 7 5 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



The Boogie Man's 
gonna get ya. 



i\- 



/ 



f ) 

t 



With his new album 
"Boogie Down". 

Eddie Kendr icks 

EDDIE KENDRICKS 




Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




National 
Anthem 
Encores 



by Brian McConnachie 



THE REPUBLIC OF CHAD 
A Promise 
Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! 

It is Freedom our desire, 

Not knife wounds in our stomachs. 

But if i t he the price, 

Then knife us all you will. 

But if you do not hold Freedom as 

our prize, 
For all of the suffering that we endure, 
We pledge you this: 
Our sons will sneak across your 

borders 
And drown you while you bathe. 

The original anthem of Chad was 
written by two Catholic priests and 
spoke mostly of what a joy it was pos- 
sessing the land, Since much of their 
land is the Sahara desert, they grew 
weary of the song and stopped singing 
it. The people of Chad spend much of 
their time now writing letters to 
MGM. Besides the desert, Chad's 
other asset is the largest colony of 
pygmies known to exist. Their sug- 
gestion to MGM is to film an all- 
black Wizard Of Oz but this time from 
the munchkins' point of view. 

LIECHTENSTEIN 
To You We Wave Our Tiny Hats 

You jewel! 

You arc a strandlcss, semi-hilly 

delight 
You gem. 

This anthem formerly contained 
the line, "We will never knowingly 
sign a shameful pact in your name. 
Never. n but it was deleted during the 
1904 Olympics at the insistence of 
several larger nations who claimed 
that this anthem was nothing more 
than a plan to hold up the games, 

ICELAND 

You Are Our Land 

Ready your pistols and quicken your 



m NATIONAL LAMPOON 



mounts to the fore, 
Our serried ranks ride this day 

onward sworrjs astir, 
To destiny, to destiny 
"Roar" our cannons echo. 
Within our breasts beat unquenched 

hearts, 
For victory we lust; 
Give them the lash. 
"Roar" and again our cannon roars, 
Make Ihem limbless and shoot their 

heads oif . 
Never to be vanquished the majestic 

conqueror rides, 
And if any among us be not valiant, 
Shoot them too. 

"You Are Our Land'* was written in 

the spring of 1876 in Scotland. Since 
then, it has only been sung a handful 
of times owing to the fact that seldom, 
if ever, do the people gather together. 
It is common for the people of Ice- 
land to leave their country during the 
spring thaw because the unusually 
harsh winters necessitate the tossing 
of their refuse, including their bodily 
wastes, into the snow drifts around 
their homes. 

PARAGUAY 

Hail, Argentina, and Hail to You, 

Brazil 

Verse : 

A nation like ours with its eyes to 

the stars 
Gets a feeling sometimes of lonely. 
Will the gods up above send us 

someone to love? 
Or is that a bunch of baloney? 
Can it be just we three 
In a union to last forever? 
Or does fate push aside, 
Our heart without pride, 
And make this a cruel endeavor? 
Refrain: 
When we first saw you across our 

border 
You didn't even know our name; 

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



But we could tell just how swell you 
are, 

Que belle you are, 

Just the same. 

You're the nations wc care for only, 

You're the creme de la creme; 

1 n and out of every thought we 

ponder 
We grow fonder 
From hither to yonder 
As we conjure 
Up y-ooooo-uuu. 
Your mountains beat the best that 

Europe offers, 
Your canal systems are inferior to 

none; 
You've got imports, you've got 

exports, 
You've got sea coast 
And the best ports 

And your metal can outshine the sun. 
You're a pair of countries 
Not Ming trees, not mung trees 
That we would like to have the 

friendship of. 
There's no denying it. 
So we'll stop hying it 
And just say 
You're the best, you're the top, 

you're above, 
Argentina, there's no one keena 
And Brazil, you give us a thrill 
And Brazil, you give us a thrill 

"Hail, Argentina, and Hail to You, 
Brazil** was written by two brothers, 
Manny and David Cavedagni, just 
prior to the return of Juan Peron's 
authority. The brothers are not na- 
tives of Paraguay but travel through- 
out the world and earn their living 
by attempting to establish amity 
among all nations. The brothers had 
been paid and left Paraguay before it 
was Fully realized that this new an- 
them had failed to say anything flat- 
tering about Bolivia. Both are be- 
lieved to be now living in Uruguay 

continued on page 72 



Everybody knows Cheap Jeans, 

but who knows me, the 

sensational Brenda Plotnik? 



I'm Brenda Plotnik. The Cheap Jeans' 
people picked me to s tar in this testimonial 
on their Cheap Jeans. Cause I'm young, 
they said, and cause I wear them. (But I 
think it's cause I'm gonna be a great actress 
and they just want my name in their ad 
before it's in anyone else's.) 

Well, anyway, I figure 
you already know about 
Cheap Jeans, So I can take 
this little opportunity to 
tell you about me and 
Herbie. (Only Herbie 
comes later.) 

Believe it or not Brenda 
Plotnik is my real name. 
Some people are just lucky 
I guess. 1 mean being born 
with a ready made stage 
name. 

Anyway, I'm what 
you'd call a bom actress. 

My acting career 
started in kindergarten 
when my class did Jack and 
the Beanstalk. I played the 
beans. I was so good that 
they asked me to play beans again in our 
first grade nutrition play. But I refused the 
part because I didn't want to be type cast. 
However I did accept the role of 'Cola, 
enemy of teeth, 5 1 was great. Everybody 
booed. I wore a mustache. From then on it 
was just one success after another. 




UEi INDUSTniL!. CUMI 



Until, most recentiy, the Umbrella Manu- 
facturers Association of North America 
voted mc Miss Folding Umbrella of 1974. 

So you can see how versatile I am. And 
look at my face. See how real it is. I have 21 
different expressions, I know, I counted 
them once... 21. 

And I can play lots of 
different parts. I can be a 
sex symbol. Or a girl. And 
I can play anv age from 16 
tola 

So just contact me 
through the Cheap Jeans 
people. (I'm sure they 
wouldn't mind, since I'm 
doing them this favor.) 

Now for Herbie. Re- 
member Hcrhic. Well he 
took this picture. And he's 
available to be a photogra- 
pher. You can see how good 
he is, because he took this 
picture and he's in it. He 
wears Cheap Jeans too. 
Which reminds me. 
There are a few things the 
Cheap Jeans people paid me to say. 

Cheap Jeans come in comfortable cot- 
ton in lots of sizes and colors and styles for 
men and women and boys and girls and they 
fit great. So remember, Brenda Plotnik, the 
natural actress. And anyone who disco vers 
me is going to have a star on his '™ n d s JTi2|| 




Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




70 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



continued from pago 68 

working on a similar anthem. 

SWITZERLAND 
Wo Are Switzerland — 
and We Can See Everything 

A vaunt, avaunt. 

Is it to Freedom 

Or to J ustice 

Thai we inflate oar cry? 

"TO BOTH!" You've asked that 

before, 
"TO BOTH!" Our answer crashes 

back like an unexpected crest.le.ss 

wave, 
Subtle in its travail, gradually 

swelling from within, 
As it returns once again to shore, 
Snakelike, it rears uncoiling, 
Uncoiling its muscular arm, sweeping. 

rolling slowly, slowly. 
Is it rocks this time that will couch 

the explosion? 
Or flat dead beach? 
And again the mighty sea confronts 

this crude border, 
The insubstantial cheap boundary, 

n amoving land, unfeeling, 
Without gestures, depth without 

anger* 
Crash into it. 
Show it your fury. Grind it with your 

might. 
Each Lime return with your force and 

laugh with contempt 
As you ebb to travel elsewhere. 
Oh Mighty Sea ? anoint me with thy 

salty covenant. 
Take me with you this time! 

This anthem was written in 1931 by 
C. Widmcr, who was an owner-opera- 
tor of the only glass bottom tour boat 
on Lake Geneva, and the proud pos- 
sessor of the unofficial title, "First 
Admiral of the Swiss Navy/* Upon 
hearing his anthem for the first time, 
a number of people objected, claiming 
that an anthem should say something 
good about the country iL represents 
and not just go on about the sea as 
this one does. The "First Admiral" 
became furious and asked them all if 
they wanted to step outside and make 
something out of it. They said Lhat 
they didn't, it really wasn't that im- 
portant, and they've been living with 
it ever since, 

BERMUDA 

Come to Bermuda 

Dere's a Commonwealth nation in de 

Atlantic Ocean, 
Where dey always sing songs and 

wear de suntan lotion. 
It's de island paradise made for you 

5 n J for me, 
Where you drink He rum fizzes V you 

swim in de sea. 
Bermuda, oh Bermuda, 
It is dc only place I love to be- 
But dere are also pools, 
I ,nts o' swimming pools, 
For dose of you 



Who don 7 like to swim in de sea! 
Bermuda, oh Bermuda 
Bermuda, oh Bermuda 
Bermuda, Bermuda 
Bermuda is de place I Love to be! 

When you get here you'll want to rent 

a motor bike, 
Drive lo Hamilton town V shop all 

you like. 
You buy liquor, you buy linen, you 

buy socks for your feet, 
At our duty free stores whose prices 

can't be beat. 
Oh TriminghanVs 
OhTrimingham's 
Triminghnm's, oh Trimingham's 
Trimingharn's, oh Trimmgham's 
Trimingharn's has cashmere socks for 

your feet, 
Pink sand, oh paradise, oh mon, 

it's real nice. 
Tennis, golf, sailing, scuba diving, 

deep sea fishing, 
Hotel and guest cottage space. 

Rates based on per 
Person or double occupancy and 

availability, plus tax. Write 
Directly to de Bermuda travel 

bureau or check out 
De ads in de 
New Yorker magazine. 

Being a Commonwealth nation, 
Bermuda is supposed to sing "God 
Save the King," The people of Ber- 
muda did sing "God Have the King" 
up to the time they were told to stop 
and change it to "God Save the 
Queen/' They became quite annoyed 
and told the Governor that if it was 
all the same with him, they didn't 
want io sing to God to save anybody 
because apparently, it didn't work. 

So now they sing this thing. 

TONGA 
Oh Tonga 

Do you know who we are? 

We are Tonga. 

And what our Bag looks like? 

1 1 has a pale blue field and is made 

of silk; 
A white triangle is set in the upper 

right hand corner, 
And in it a green star. 
In the center is a Royal Palm tree 

done in browns and green, 
At night when tyranny and disorder 

stalk our roads, 
There is nothing visible, 
Not even Tyranny and Disorder, 
But we are getting lights 
To vanquish those twin evils deeper 

into the jungle 
Where they're sure to strangle 

themselves on their own villainy, 
God is our judge; 
To Him we pray. 

Tonga has been telling people that 
they were getting lights for the past 
twenty-five years, and they still don't 
have them. D 



continued front pagt 60 

Wah)," 

"Hey, a fast one!" cried Sharon, 
"Crnon, Wilbur, get it on!" And she 
began to shake and shimmy like a 
Jello person in an earthquake. 

Oy vey, thought Wilbur in Eng- 
lish, More of the masking tape was 
pulling loose every minute. He began 
to dance solely from the waist up, 
sort of a reverse Bo Diddlcy. 

All around them, people were leav- 
ing oft their own dancing to glom 
the mad dervish of Jug- City Sharon, 
Soon a circle had cleared with them 
at the center. Then some schmuck 
turned a spotlight on them. 

"God, look at the way the creep 
with her is dancing" said a very 
skinny woman with deco dress and 
deco hairdo. 

"Where'd He learn to dance?" 
asked a gesticulating gay in a nun's 
habit. "At a school for spastics?" 

"T resent that," said a spastic. 

Wilbur's ears were blazing. Damn 
it, he was a good dancer. He'd show 
them. "Whoo!" he yelled, and ex- 
ecuted a split in the James Brown 
manner. 

"Attaboy, Wilbur," called Sharon. 

Encouraged* Wilbur pulled out the 
stops. No "Soul Train 1 * hoofer had 
ever looked badder. The withering 
comments ceased and the crowd drew 
back in new respect, 

"Wilbur, you're fantastic!" Sharon 
glided close to him, shimmying her 
breasts like coconuts in a hurricane. 
In a sudden dip, she went down on 
one knee before him and unzipped 
his fly. 

With a loud sproing and a tearing 
of tape, Wilbur's hose burst forth. It 
looked like the spring snake from a 
trick can of nuts. 

Oh no t thought Wilbur, ok rtO, oh 
no. He wished he would die, disap- 
pear, never have been born. Now he VI 
never get to feel Sharon's shelf. Shit, 
she'd probably never want to see him 
again, 

The band broke off. Every eye in 
the room was on him. The silence 
was deafening. Then . , . 

"That's the most decadent thing 
I've ever seen," exclaimed a fat, 
bearded black in a little girl's dress. 

"Incredibly decadent," agreed a 
quadruple amputee on a wooden cart. 

To Wilbur's amazement, Lhe band 
now struck up "For He's a Degener- 
ate Fellow," a number they usually 
reserved for the entrance of a David 
Howie or a Richard Speck, The crowd 
swirled around him, congratulating 
him and pounding him on the back. 

"Oh, Wilbur," cried Sharon, throw- 
ing her arms around him. "My hero!" 

"Oh, well," said Wilbur. "Heh 
I heh," 

And, for the next eight hours, they 
I lived happily ever after. □ 



72 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




y\. 




*-m 



■<*A 



'h 




y 




MOGUL V- 24 
NABOB V- 1 6 
RAJAH V- 1 2 
SULTAN V*8 



THE NEW CARS THA 



T OUT OF MY WAY!" 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



1934 AIRDREME JKo$id V-24 SEDANOLA 

THIS GRAND NEW, BRAND NEW BEAUTY'LL 

NEVER BE THROWN OUT OF WORK! 

BROTHER, CAN YOU SPARE A GLANCE? 




Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc 



Sumo icller say "Depression**? 
\\ nil, just depress the gas pedal 
n f the new *34 Airdrome and it's 
"Happy Days Are Here Again"! 
She's *t rootin', too tin* beauty with 
jhe poise of a princess and the heart 
of a pursuit plane. And that's not all 
— she's also got exclusive new Vapoid 
Snellen Cooling, the automotive en- 
gineering marvel that produces in- 
atanl D6|K Pep enough lo streak past 
I he longest breadline faster than you 
Can Bay, "Prosperity's just around 
ihr corner P 



And the new '34 Airdreme will 
take that corner prosperity's just 
around a lot more smoothly, thanx to 
new, Double Patented Hcrcu-Lax 
Springing, forged from Radio Hard- 
ened EMOLO Steel (it's Kiln-Toasted 
at 4 million degrees! ) * 

Some feller say "smooth" V Gee, 
the new '34 Airdreme rides so sweet 
"u 1 smooth she'll turn the bumpiest 
old Hooverville alley into Easy 
Street! 

Somebody mention silence? Say, 
your *34 Airdreme rides as quiet as 




midnight in the Hobo Jungle and 
cozy as a mummy's tomb, Credit ex- 
elusive Hypo-Vibe Axle Design: it 
actually cuts deadly Road Hum by 
2.3 percent with machine-sharpened 
gears that revolve in a sealed oil bath 
at 2,000 revolutions per minute — and 
need only normal maintenances 

Who said comfort? Airdrome for 
1934 offers a whole New Deal in 
luxury. With new Tap-A-Toe Futur- 
oidie Footless De-Clutching that puts 
the Floorboard of the Future at your 
feet. With the wondrous ease of new 
Magic Jaw handbrake action. With 
improved Silver Vortex aviator-type 
ventilation like the airmail pilots 
use. You'll discover driving is more 
fun than Dish Nite at the Bijou when 
you relax in Saf-T Sof-T Health seats* 
upholstered in new Miracle Rubber* 
etle, and revel in appointments 
awarded mention at the Spanish 
Housewares Festival of Madrid! 

And don't forget — every 1934 Air- 
drome is Vain-Registered with the 
U.S. Attorney General's Office in 
Washington, D.C! 

But exploring every Airdreme in- 
novation for '34 would take more 
time than a veterans' bonne march. 
And with new Mello-Streme Style— 
the boldest idea since Hoover Dam 
— one glance will take you oil the 
Gold Standard and put you on the 
Airdreme Standard. There's only one 
thing to do, Skeezix: See your au- 
thorized Bulgemobile Airdreme 
Dealer today — he could stilt be in 
business! 

"We're in the money!" Airdreme Sednnolas 
for 19U offer Saf-T Sof-T Health Seats. 
They're upholstered in genuine Rubberette* 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 





(»«► •« • 



1934 AIRDREME^l/«^ V-16 SLEEKSTER: ONLY A BA1 

SAY, SHE'S ROOMY AS THE DUST EW 




More solid than a WPA dam, more 
economical than an Okie's diet, 
more fun per mile than Mah^Jongg 
— jeepere, creepers, the 1934 Air- 
dreme Nabob is a League of Nations 
of motoring value wrapped up in 
Mellu-Slreme Style that gives com- 
petition something to fear besides 
fear itself! 

Take new Tap-A-Toe Futuroidic 

Tap-A-Toe Futuroidic Footless De-Clutch- 
ing features Single Pedal Pomer Control and 

the Flunrhtmrd of the Future in 19.H4. 

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Footless De-Chl tching. Instead of 
old-fashioned gas, brake, and clutch 
pedals that kept your feet busier 
than a dance marathon, Tap-A-Toe 
Futuroidic Footless De-Clutching of- 
fers the convenience of Single Pedal 
Power Control — combines all foot 
functions in one single pedal I 

Think of it; one tap — you go, mov- 
ing off faster than a barfly after Re- 
peal 

Two taps — you change gears, as 
smooth and automatic as a mortgage 
foreclosure. 







FAILURE COULD MAKE YOUR HEART REAT FASTER 

L-AND HOTTER'N A SOUP KITCHEN! 



Three taps — you stop quicker than 
the U.S. economy. 

And dial's all there is to it. Tap-A- 
Toft Kutnrnidic Footless Ue-C In tell- 
ing with Single Pedal Control is as 
easy and effortless as the Jap march 
on Manchuria ! 

But that*s noi all there is to Air- 
dreme Nahob for 1934, nosirree. 
There's Golden Girder Chassis Con- 
struction, .borrowing the engineering 
secrets of the twenty-ton railway 
mammoths to surround you in an 
Iron Octagon of safety stronger than 



the Empire State Building* There's 
new improved Silent Flame Radiant 
Heating — flick a switch and suddenly 
inside your Airdreme, things are hot- 
ter than a strikebreaker's temper. 
Powerful new Klaxon-Matic horn 
tone, to clear the road ahead faster 
than the National Guard. New 
Double- Vision windshield wipers 
with unique Half -Time Power; only 
FDR can see more clearly! Explo- 
sion-proof new Triple-Dehixc Con- 
stant Radius Balloon Tires with Air- 
trap ValycR proved ,.at the Indian- 
copy rig hi <s> 2007 NationarLampoon Inc. 



apolis Speedway! Double-nub "Liv- 
ing Mohair" fabrics, water-treated 
to avoid premature soiling! (The 
same mohair chosen by Hollywood 
Star Norma Talmadge for her beach 
cabana.) There's the glamour of 
Twin-Streme Running Boards! 

Had enough? YouVe heard only 
(he half of it. And best of all, it's all 
wrapped up in a package labeled 
MrLlo'Stremu Slyh*? the ultra-smart, 
ultra-super auto fashion look that 
makes other cars seem like they're 
riding the rails! 




COMPARE AIRDREME 
FOR 1934 WITH ANY OF THE 
LOW-PRICED CARS... YOU'LL AGREE 
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Six More Secret 

Japanese Techniques 

of Self-Defense 




yOfefc 



In extreme cases, where you must pun- 
ish a hardened psychopathic criminal 
degenerate, you can use ozu-atori. 
Start your saw going between his legs 
and move straight up, going as far as 
you like. 



Chishinga 

("the avenging woodcutter") 
The art of chain saw fighting 

In old Japan, the woodcutter fed 
a particularly dangerous life. The for- 
ests were full of marauding bandits 
and gangs of young forest hooligans 
who had names like the "Jolly Samu- 
rais," the "Osaka Stampers," and the 
"Magnificent Seven Hundred." The 
woodcutter's crude tools were his 
only weapons of self-defense. Chi- 
shinga is inspired by the exploits of 
these brave men. It is simply a more 
sophisticated style of woodcutting, 
where the "wood" is the poor, un- 
suspecting attacker! 

Chishinga Techniques 

You've just put in a long day at. 
the office, working far into the night 
to get your big presentation ready 
for an early morning meeting. You're 
extremely tired and did not notice 
that the "cleaning man" coming to- 
ward you is actually a professional 
office mugger! 

L You have just enough time to 
open your desk drawer and whip out 
your chain saw (dashitori) . 

2, Assume your chain saw fight- 



by Gerald Sussman 

ing stance (dashitaki) — legs slightly 
bent, torso bent backward, feet point- 
ing inward, head pointing downward, 
eyes looking upward, chain saw held 
outward. 

3. Most attackers don't even know 
what a chain saw is (more fools 
they) and will come right at you. 
Start the saw. The noise alone will 
terrify theni, causing them to drop 
their weapons if they are "packing." 

4. Before your attacker can say 
"Toshiro Mifune," saw off his nose 
in a quick swipe (yimono) . 

5. Flip his nose back to him, bow 
with elaborate decorum, and inform 
him with mock courtesy that he is 
about to experience nigoshi ("the 
loss of face") . And if you are in the 
mood, this will be followed by loss of 
fingers, hands, and feet. 

6. In extreme cases, where you 
must punish a hardened psychopathic 
criminal degenerate, you can use ozu- 
atorL Start your saw going between 
has legs and move straight up, going 
as far as you like. This will teach 
him a lesson he will not soon forget. 

CWshaki 

The art of power tool fighting 

Chiskaki is an offshoot of chi- 
shinga and is an excellent technique 
for short trips from home — say, a 
run down to the all-night deli for a 
six-pack, or for a short walk with the 
dog. All you need is about 500 feet 
of kuri-turi (extension cord) attached 
to your portable electric drill. Before 
you leave the house, plug in the cord 
and unwind it as you walk to your 
destination. 

Statistics show that many mug- 
gings, rapings, and purse snatchings 
occur within a few feet of your own 
home. A vicious young hoodlum can 
be waiting for you as you turn the 
corner to enter the grocery store! 
What a pleasant surprise is in store 
for this piece of human garbage as 
you flick on your power drill (fitted 
with an extra-long masonry drill bit) , 
bore into his navel and come out 
through his rectum! (noba tsyu) , 

Note: When your extension cord 
starts feeling taut, you're in trouble. 
Never allow it to lose its slackness. 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Sikiru-sitsu 

("the tangled web") 

The art of Venetian blind 
fighting 

Sikiru-sitsu is a natural outgrowth 
of takamasitsu and lonburi-sitsu, the 
ancient arts of fake scroll fighting 
and window shade fighting. The Jap- 
anese elders were especially fond of 
traveling with what appeared to be 
precious scrolls, which gave theni the 
look of effeminate scholars, poets, or 
absent-minded professors — supposed- 
ly easy prey for highwaymen. But of 
course the scrolls were entirely fake, 
containing nothing but doggerel or 
common erotica. They were wrapped 
loosely around a stout club that was 
designed to smash skulls with ease. 
When scrolls went out of fashion the 
clubs were carried inside rolled up 
window shades (tonburi-sitsu) . 

Today we have the modern ver- 
sion, the lightweight yet strong Vene- 
tian blind used in sikiru-sitsu, a de- 
ceptively deadly technique. 

The Technique of Sikiru-Sitsu 

You've just seen a late night movie 
and you're walking back to the out- 
door parking lot to your car. It's a 
quiet, lonely night Suddenly, from 
behind one of the cars comes a big, 
gorilla-like creature with a skin color 
you rarely see in your residential 
area. He wants your money and he 
means business. There isn't even 
enough time to assume a sikiru-sitsu 
stance. 

1. Before he makes a grab for you, 
fake him out of position with a half- 
thrust of your rolled up Venetian 
blinds (yakatiki). 

2. As he ducks your first thrust, 
poke him under his chin and then 
straight in the eye (shigori), 

3. Use the blinds like a club and 
beat him heavily until his is only 
semiconscious, uttering the tradi- 
tional sikiru-sitsu curse, "Shira sumo 
kitashi achiri shuzu!" ("May your 
mother's ceremonial tea set crack 
into a thousand pieces!*') 

4. While he is on his way to Dream 
Street, open your Venetian blinds 
and put this rotting bean curd through 
the slats, twisting them this way and 
that until he is completely entangled 

continued 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 7Q 



SECRETS ENTRUSTED 
TO A FEW 




IhelLnptdMed 
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continued 

in this deadly aluminum spider's 
webf 




Meet your attacker with the front end 
of your Toyo-ta at the height of ac- 
celeration. The speed and momentum 
of the Toyo-ta provide all the strilcing 
force necessary to inflict high-impact 
injury, 

Toyo-ta 

("the Devil's Chariot") 

This is an especially effective tech- 
nique to use immediately after ap- 
plying sikiru-sitsu. Your attacker is 
still floundering around the parking 
lot, either semiconscious or in a daze, 
and trying desperately to remove the 
Venetian blinds he is trapped in. 
You are ready for him. 

Basic Toyo-ta Technique 

1. Get into your Toyo-ta and start 
the engine. 

2. Maneuver out of your parking 
spot and drive as far away from your 
attacker as possible, while still in the 
lot 

3. Accelerate your Toyo-ta up to 
sixLy to seventy miles an hour, 

4. Meet your attacker with the 
front end of your Toy o- fa at the 
height of acceleration. The speed and 
momentum of the Toyo-ta provide 
all the striking force necessary to in- 
flict high-impact injury. You do not 
have to use the forward motion of 
your attacker. He just has to make 
contact with your Toyo-la and he 
will be sent flying to the filthy hovel 
of his disgusting ancestors! 

Tet-Iee 

("the blinding one") 

The art of tea leaf throwing 

It is late at night. You have just 
visited a sick friend in the hospital, 
which is in an unfamiliar neighbor- 
hood. You are waiting for a bus on 
an empty street when you are sud- 
denly confronted by a swaggering 
lout whose arrogant demands arid 
vicious demeanor suggest imminent 



danger. 

1, Take three steps back and make 
a deep bow to your attacker. Look 
as frightened as possible. While you 
are doing this you are: (a) lulling 
him into a false sense of security, 
(b) digging into your pockets to 
gather a big himk of tea leaves in 
each hand. 

2. Your attacker will now try to 
grab your purse or wallet- Don't make 
a move until you see his kitiri ("the 
whites of his eyes"). Then pull out 
your left fistful of tea leaves and with 
a straight thrust, fling them directly 
into his eyes (tingetsu). Make a 
short quick bow, and with barely con- 
cealed sarcasm, ask ? "Kola a tatsu, 
aha hasho?" ("Milk and sugar, or 
lemon?') 

3, While your attacker is dazed and 
trying to make up his mind, pull out 
your right fistful of tea leaves and 
with an upward thrust (hutawa) , jam 
them into his nostrils. Follow with 
a thrust of leaves down his neck 
( watistt) , bowing and remarking icily, 
"Asho chishiri saruma matsu?" ("Or 
would you rather have it plain?") 

4. At this point your attacker is 
trying to pick out hundreds of blind- 
ing, itchy tea leaves from his eyes, 
nose, and all over his body. You can 
leave him in this state, or preferably, 
destroy him with a more lethal tech- 
nique, always ending with a courtly 
bow and the traditional, "Tengura 
dobu a yokishi bonsho." ("May your 
father's sake turn bitter and give him 
gas.") 



&s 




Sprays of liquid will come out the 
doll's little crotch area. 

While he is momentarily stunned by 
this liquid, strike a match or a ciga- 
rette lighter and ignite the liquid 
(tori-kashu). 

I Barbi-bitsu 
("the doll of death") 

The most helpless looking victim 
is a woman carrying a baby. Half- 
erazed hooligans drool at the sight, 



80 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



knowing that as long as the life of 
your tot is held in the balance, they 
can demand anything from you. 

The Japanese were aware of this 
and devised a fighting technique us- 
ing the knapsack style baby carrier 
(noguru). But instead of putting a 
real baby in it, they used dolls, beau- 
tifully made realistic dolls whose 
lovable looks hid deadly weapons that 
could cripple, maim, even kill an at- 
tacker. Based on these ancient tech- 
niques, we can adapt our own dolls 
to dish out some pretty cute surprises 
for any cheap thug who thinks he can 
use your precious "child" as a hos- 
tage. When you're finished with an 
attacker, he'll wish he had listened 
to his father and gone into the up- 
holstery business! 

Barbi-bitsu Techniques 

You've just left a late night party 
at an artist's loft located in a de- 
serted part of town. You are search- 
ing in vain for a taxicab when a car 
pulls up and a big ugly galoot gets 
out, emitting a fiendish giggle when 
he sees you are carrying a child, 

1, Immediately go into your beg- 
ging for sympathy routine, based on 
the "child" in your carrier. Go down 
on your knees if you wish (miwashi) 
and do a variation on such words as, 
"You can do anything you like with 
me, but please don't harm the baby. 
I beg of you ... he (she) is only a 
child. He (she) doesn't know any- 
thing. Look . . , he (she) is even 
smiling at you. Please don't harm 
my baby, , . " etc., etc. This will titil- 
late the animal instincts of your at- 
tacker. His half-demented brain will 
now be fa a fug of sadistic fantasies, 
throwing him off guard and preparing 
him for the big surprise coming up. 

-2. At this point we will use the 
most popular form of barbi-bitsu t 
tigori ("the wetting doll"). 

3. If your attacker demands that 
you halld over the baby, pick it up 
and squeeze it hard. Sprays of liquid 
will come out the doll's little crotch 
area. Spray the liquid all over his 
face and body (yiki-yasku) . You can 
also throw the doll at his face and it 
will splatter liquid all over him. 

4, While he is momentarily stunned 
by this liquid , strike a match or a 
cigarette lighter and ignite the liquid 
(tori-kashu). 

5, Jump back and watch your at- 
tacker turn into a flaming side of 
beef tenyaki, the Japanese equivalent 
of shish kabob, because your doll was 
wetting pure lighter fluid on that 
miserable cabbage bug! 

6. No iigori technique is complete 
without the traditional question, 
"Chishi a yukimodu taku no mo ko- 
tigi a tmhamuraV ? ("How do you 
like yourself broiled, dung fly? Rare, 
medium, or well-done?"} Q 




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continued from page 30 

left us holding the lurch, Pat never 
calls, and that Eisenhower boy still 
hasn't returned the Water Pik. (If 
you believe that jazz about Julie 
going to the hospital for "rotarian 
cysts" then you didn't see our vet 
bills after Big Ears cornered the 
spaniel with the water you-know- 
which,) 

Martha Mitchell, of course, has 
been more or less under wraps and 
held incueumberato since John said 
he'd have her put to sleep and 
stuffed if she snitched about how Mr. 
Hoffa got out of the pokey, f John 
gets to climb into the cab and honk 
the actual alrhorn any time he wants 
now.) 

Another big secret is the cotton 
deal Hank Kissinger (just as fresh 
as ever, if all those little blue pinch- 
marks and hickeys I saw on Mrs, 
Ford in the Korvettes changing room 
are any indication! made with the 
Egyptians when he was dry ironing 
out that crisis between the Arabs and 
the you -know- whos. What it was, a 
little Princess phone told me, was 
that we get the cotton and the oil 
in return for free passes to Disney 
World (!) and Sammy Davis, Jr, 

Well, dear Diary, Vd better get 
out of these Supp-hose (slowly and 
carefully this time . . , my knees got 
the bends last time I rushed it) and 
pick up Kim at the movies (she's 
making pin money selling little paper 
bags outside The Exorcist) before 
Spiggy finishes that sentence. 

Also, I'd better get ready for com- 
pany, because a nice man from the 
Siamese Liberation Army called up 
to come over for a visit and naturally 
I had to say yes what with all the 
good they do at Christmas picking 
all those vinos off the street and put- 
ting them in Santa Clans suits and 
teaching them to play "Silent Night" 
on tubas and tambourines and things. 
One oilier thing, if you see Mrs. 
Ford, tell her to return my dress 
shields and then go take a running 
(Ding! Pop-Tart time.) 

All for now, 




82 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



continued from page 22 

red If you start so much as one little 
fashion show during the game . . , 
throws big lug nuts at the models! 
That PJ! . , . The vogue for sur- 
names is big, big, big. ... You hear 
them everywhere . , . those fabulous 
last names that embody our precious 
cultural heritage — given an extra 
soupcon of interest by the clever ad- 
dition of a barely audible "Mr." Yes, 
the last are first, for sure . . ■ at the re- 
ception desk, in the hall, wherever dig- 
nified staffers congregate . . . refined, 
evocative surnames define hierarchi- 
cal probabilities. So much more im- 
pressive than those common little 
given names some people were hyping 
a while ago. . . . Glinda Glitter birth- 
daying at La Cote Boring . . . who 
is Glinda's favorite dancing partner? 
Could it be sassy Dominica Daven- 
port? Dominica, by the way, tried to 
give up throwing pastry after she put 
Lee Radziwill in the hospital with a 
spit bun, but it didn't work. She's 
back on the street, armed and ex- 
tremely dangerous , , . don't say we 
didn't warn you. , . « Seriora Ramos 
Ramos is one member of the sleek set 
who doesn't buy that hoked up story 
about Mrs. Armand Offal's "malfunc- 
tioning health appliance." 

"I say it was a Mixmaster, and I 
say it's squalid, 1 ' says inquisitive Mrs. 
Ramos Ramos. . . . Lisbon still cap- 



ital of Portugal . . . down cushions 
still the asthmatic's nemesis . . . Gerry 
Ford still working on yesterday's 
crossword puzzle. ... Do try to mix 



with a better class of people, won't 
you? And you, Germaine Greer, you 
better keep your voice down, don't 
you think? Or don't you? □ 




<*\ 



fu\ 




Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 83 



Knock kn 
Who's tfaei^. 
Knock knock knock knock bam bam 
crash knock smash ring bong bash 
bash. 

Oh, it's you, Mr. Vice-President, You 
want the Senate. This is the Wash- 
ington Monument. 
Knock . . . bam , , . bong 

Q: What do you get when you cross 
Gerry Ford and a turtle? 

A: A turtle with a reading problem. 

Q: Why did Gerry Ford give up 

water polo? 

A : Because his horses kept drowning, 

Gerry Ford thinks foreign, policy is a 
Venezuelan life insurance plan. 

Q: Why can't Gerry Ford take a tax 
deduction on his personal papers? 
A: Because the National Archives 
doesn't accept coloring hooks. 

Q: Why is Texas Gerry Ford's favor- 
ite state? 
A: Because he can spell it 

Q: What's a Gerry Ford tongue 

twister? 

A: Hello. 





. respc~* 
A; President Rushmore. 

Q: Why doesn't Gerry Ford get along 
with retarded children? 

A: Because he doesn't like smart 
alechs, 

Q: What's Gerry Ford's favorite 

flavor? 

At Red. 

Q: Red? That isn't a flavor. 

A: Could you repeat the question? 

Gerry Ford thinks veto powers is an 
Italian spy pilot, 

Q: How would Gerry Ford pack the 

Supreme Court? 

A : Two in the front and seven in the 

back. 

Q: What will Gerry Ford do if Nixon 
is impeached? 
A: Try to clap, 

Q: Why won't anyone play monop- 
oly with Gerry Ford? 
A; Because when he's not tackling 
them, he's asking them directions, 

Q : How do you know Gerry Ford has 
been in your refrigerator? 



A: The door i& still open, the milk is 
knocked over, the mayonnaise jar is 
broken, there are fingerprints in the 
ice cream, tooth marks on the Jello, 
the frozen meat has been clawed, and 
the ice has been all chewed up. 

Gerry Ford thinks executive clemency 
is where the President spends his 
weekends. 

Q: How come Gerald Ford's personal 
correspondence had never been en- 
tered as evidence in the Senate Wa- 
tergate hearings? 
A; You can't file alpkt * 

Q: Why did Gerald Ford have his 
name embroidered on 1 7 5QQ bowling 

nihil 



A: He wanted the Poles to show his 
popularity. 

Q: How can you tell when Gerald 

Ford has been bribed by influential 

Washington lobbyists? 

A: You can smelt the peanuts on his 

breath. 

Q: Why did Gerald Ford nominate a 

pair of eight-ounce gloves for House 

Minority Whip? 

A : He wanted to see a ballot box t n 



84 NATIONAL I,AMl'UON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



SEVEN NEW ALBUMS 
WE THINK YOU'LL ENJOY. 



RACHMAN-TURNER 
OVERDRIVE I 

/I 



f m 






AND THE MAGIC BAND 




Bachman-Turner Overdrive — 

After their chart-busting first 
album, the next .supergroup gets 
it on with BTO II. Featuring "Let 
It Ride." 

Mercury 3RM-1-R9B e-Track MC~e~1~696 
Minicassette MCR4-1-696 



Captain Beef heart and His Magic 
Band — Captain Beef heart takes a 
giant step forward into a new and 
different phase of his ever-chang- 
ing music. 

Mercury SRM-1-709 O-Track MC-S-1-709 
Musiuyssetle MCR4-1-709 



Jeny LaCroix 
The Second Coming 




LiVSANDINCOLOr] 

■ Ak w HE i 


, M)MI 







Jerry La Croix — From the original 
White Trash came Edgar Winter 
and Rick Derringer, Now here's 
their former, lead vocalist Jerry 
La Croix. 
Mercury SRM- 1-701 



Heartsfieid — Rave reviews* their 
hitsingle"Music Eyes," and some 
of the finest country-rock music 
you'll ever hear. 

Mercury SRM-1-688 8-Track MC-8-1-680 
Musicasaette MCR4-1-6BS 



Ball in 'Jack — A dynamite, live- 
concert alburn capturing the en- 
ergy and excitement of Ball in 1 - 
Jack's explosive sound. 
Mercury SRM-1-700 8*Traek MC-S-1-700 
Musicassottc MCH4-1-700 



Steven Grossman 
Caravan Tonight 




Steven Grossman— The first ex- 
citing album from a different kind 
of singer. Who sings a different 
kind of soncj. 
Mercury 5RM-1-702 8-Track MC-0-1-702 



Ray Manzarek — The former key- 
board man of the Doors opens 
some new doors with his eye and 
ear opening debut album. 
Mercury SRM-1-703 a-Track MC 8-1-703 
Minicassette MCR4-1-703 






product of phonogram, inc., one IBM plaza, Chicago, III, 
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



TheBest Buy Line 



S-7Q50, "The winner in our 
evaluation/ Music World. (36 watts 
IHF; 10+10 RMS [8 Ohms w 1 KHz]; 
3.5 jjv FM Sensitivity [IHF]; 40 dB 
selectivity) 








• 














i 





S7200 "Best Buy."a leading 
consumer testing magazine 
(40 4-40wattsnMSl8Ohms 
g 1 KHz]; I.SnvFM 
Sensitivity IIHFJ; 60 dB 
selectivity) 





i 








m i* ny^tiDCi' 








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03 

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S7100A. Best Buy,' a 
leading consumer testing 
magazine, (22 + 22 watts F 
[8' Ohms A 1 KHz]; 
1.9 M v Sensitivity UHF]; 
50 dB selectivity) 



S7900A (AM/FM) 
asaSOOACFMonly), 
"Best Buy/' a leading 
consumer testing publicat 
(60 + 60 RMS I G Ohms I 
20-20,000 Hz; 1.7 j/v 
sensitivity [IHF]; 
65 dB selectivity) 



There are certain rewards for 
producing the best receivers in 
this business. 

One of them is critical 
acclaim. 

And we admit, that when a 
leading consumers' testing 
magazine picks three of our 
receivers as "Best Buys" and 



another independent publication 
rates our S-7050 as the best of 
the low-priced receivers, to us 
it's like getting an Oscar. 

But nothing is more exciting 
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who choose Sherwood over the 



Kjmiij^^! 



And, this year, as never 
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Sherwood Electronic Laboratories 
4300 N, California 
Chicago, Illinois 6061 8 

Sherwood 

The word is getting around. 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




It is illegal 
to insult deaf 
women in all but 
fourteen states.* 



I i 



r-f°- 

Ml 



ONE THING ABOUT THOSE P£AP 6ALS, THOUGH THEY'RE FRlENPLY/ k 
WHV, I'LL N£VER FORGET THE HME r WAS SELLING 0RU5HE5 AMD M 
THIS tfEAF GAL OPENEP THE POOR IN HER NEGLIGEE- WHICH IS/ 




Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 87 



Return of the Dodosaurs 



by Rick " Darwin a Few, 
Lose a Few" Meycrowitz 



Undistracted by a lumber- 
ing Chain amir, an eighi- 

thumbed, si>lit-fecd 

Orlhuflont.it do n s c <i v e 11 kl 1 8 
for a severe trilobite at 
the business end of a Swiss 
Army-Toothed Tiger, 
w hile 6e l#w , a no t lie r 
doomed slimey, the slow- 
witted Witrs<iur t stuns a 
herd or "racfc* of tytc k - 
Pinned Djnoto. 




tetojtf, a squadron of Double- Dactyls soar higgledy 
jg^ledy above a reprimanded Wouly Foulmouift as 
four-forked Dinersaur decides whether to add 
feyeroftttitrus Ricks to its blue armor plate 
pedal. 





The Pointer Sisters' second album follows hot on the stacked heels of 
their first, which just turned 24 K gold. Also shiny is the fan mail, making us suspect 
That's a Plenty will again change the color of Blue Thumb Records : "Top New Female 
Group"— £c corf J World If}? J Year End Poll . . "Instant dynamite'* -Xewsiveek , . ."They scat 
as if they spoke it in the street"— Rolling Stove . . "A musical cloudburst'*— Los Angeles Timet 
. . ."'Finger-lickm' good 1 ' - Women's Wear Daily . . ."The Pointer Sisters . , . sing the hell out of 
just about anything* -Pfaybott * . ."RaKzIfe-dasate that brings out the wu\" ^Christian Science 
Monitor . , . 'The Pointers' potential is uiilimltecT-nStw Frajiciaco Chronicle. 

The Pointer Sisters can can, do do, and will will keep it happening 

on Blue Thumb Records and Ampex Tapes. 

Produced by David Rubinson. 



H 



The State of the Art on HI ue Thumb Records, Inc. 

cpRyrjg^ 





VOMMSER HOWPIFFEI?Etfri?EAU-Y^ 

AS OLP AS YODEPAEESrVS? AND HOW 
IT SEEMED TD EE EASifKRDfc THEM 
TO TAU<-Tt> WPS , AMD YOU TO THEM? 



DDYOUEV02 CHOP \ 
ANY \MDOD WFOZ€?s~L 

^—-—-7- /So: 

WlEU-rtHEfcES WO" 




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MY, IDOK ATTUAT, VUILU 
YOU/ ISEETWS GOTYfcU 
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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 91 



On Sale Now! 




TT'As everyone knows, 
* ■ records are made to 
be broken, and Fd 
certainly appreciate 
it if someone would go 
after these with an 
eight-pound sledge." 

—The 37th President 



On Banana Records 



Distributed by Blue Thumb 
a Golf & Western Company 

subsidiary of Famous Music, Inc. 



® 



_ _ __ 

The Job of Sex is now on sale 



••• 






WMWtfl WMJWM ^J limAAY 



*w**ti wtm*M Q lkuvmit 








A Workingman's Guide 
to Productive Lawmaking 



luusnuflTD 

WfTHPtCTUKH 




A VVorkingmanls Guide 
to Productive ioveniakirrg 



momma 



hbp 




A YVorkingman's Guide 
to Productive Loveroaking 



iiu/snwriD 
witm picruics 



bex 



but in a larger sense, aren't we all? 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




0Wff*caiwjc* 



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Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON &J 



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94 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




Mf AN 



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INTRODUCTION 



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A TirFfCVSlwer 
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WATIrtVAI f ^JIVVJN *1« 



SPECIAL BOOK 

AND 

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514028. THE MAXFIELD 
PARRISH POSTER 
BOOK, with nn intro- 
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Sendak, contains 24 full 
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covering every phase of 
Parrish a work from his 
very first poster to his 
Life, Heart's, and Col- 
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the illustrations from 
The Knave of Hoar Is. An 
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ot romantic popular art. 
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S33Sfl3, COMPLETE ORGAN MUSIC OF J, S. 
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to5. Only complete collection — 217 worts. De- 
finitive performances by Walter Kratt on 20 his- 
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with full no tea and appreciation, and Albert 
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18 record set complete Only $19,95 

1Q866S. EROTIC ART. By Dr* t Phyllis & Eberhard 
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as Rembrandt, Flcnssa, Dali and Chagall, full of 
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NO 1775, THE YOUNG 
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ordinary volume inch the erotic art of China, 
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032120. BOYS WILL BE BOYS. Ed. by G. St. Martin 
<S R. C. Nelson. Extraordinary pictorial presenter - 
lion of the golden years of boyhood— over 400 
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a proslilute; why she is willing lo sell heiself and 
(urn the money ovct to her man; an evening a I a 
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more. 
Pub. at 512,95 Only $4,B5 

926253. NEWPORT IN NEW YORK, Vols. 1-6. His- 
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Here is Ihe product of those magic weeks by the 
world's most versatile talents, intl. Roberta Flack, 
Stan Gou, Diisy Gillespie, B. D» Etna* Cur lis May- 
held, Gerry Mulligan, Billy Eckstine, plus 48 
more. An amazing record value I Bonus Festival 
Pastor and HIus, libretto incl. 
Pub. at 335.95 6 Record Sol Complete Only $14.95 




127474, THE SEX BOOK: A Modorn Pictorial En- 

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sexual activity with artistic but informative close- 
ups of people in the nude performing sex acts of 
every kind — tareplay, self-stimulation, inter- 
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13537X. THE KAMA SU- 
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with lovely, sensitive, 
lull-page photos of a 
boauiilul young couple 
demonstrating the many 
positions described. For 
sale to adults over 21 
only Pub, al $25.00 

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00S723. THE PHOTOGRAPHIC MANUAL OF SEX- 
UAL INTERCOURSE, Intro, by Dr. Albert Ellis. By 
L. R. O'Conner A major breakthrough in sex od- 
unailoril Unlocks the treasures of sexunl pleasure 
with nld of over 150 nnHiql photoa in full color 
and monochrome a! a uiarrieu couple enuuged in 
sexual intercourse positions and extraordinary 
detailed text. The most sophisticated, modern and 
up-to-date marriage manual ever written. For 
sale to adult* over 21 only, Softbound. 
Pub. at 5 12.98 OnlySS.SB 



0287*4. PICTORIAL GUIDE TO SEXUAL INTER- 
COURSE in full color. Europe's most beautiful, 
best-selling sex manual now available with over 
200 full color, lull page photos of a man and 
woman engaged in a variety of sexual inter- 
course positions, each shown in an individual 
photo accompanied by sophisticated informative 
texl translated into English, For sale to adults 
over 21 only. Softbound 
Pub. at $12.93 Only $4.88 



S1544X. FACTS. STATISTICS AND TRIVIA. Here, 
for the first time, an enormously funny collection 
of incredible facts, amazing statistics, and monu- 
mental trivia. Do you know how beavers indulge 
in sexual foreplay? The overhead cost oi the 
average brothel? Here, wilh appropriately lunny 
illustrations, are hundreds of unimportant bill 
laughable tacts that will brighten your small 
talk and keen dull moments at a minimum. 

Only $1.95 



5Q14B1. THE JOY OF 
SEX: A Cordon Bleu 
Guide to Lovemafcing. 
Ed. by Alex Comfort, 
Over 150 tllus , 33 In full 
color. This is net a book 
for buuutuoinl A fantas- 
tic collection of recipes 
for completely fulfilling 
sexual love: every tech- 
nique, game ana fact, 
orgasm, clothing and 
nudity, sexual stimuli, 
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ers In delightfully per- 
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and unique illustra- 
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over 21 only. 
Deluxe illus. ed. 

Only £12,35 






L03558. Picture History of Homosexuality: THE 

OTHER FACE OF LOVE. RyR.de Becker. Over 
100 illus. Masculine and lesbian love horn Baby- 
lon and Ancient Greece Ihtough the Middle Ages 
and incl. Gide, Genet and Gertrude Stein; an ab- 
sorbing look at homosexual attitudes and prac- 
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Orig. Pub. at $1Q.QU Only $3*95 



K01216. The French Pic- 
ture Book ol Sexual 
Love: L' AMOUR. Fran* 
ce's magnificent pictor- 
ial portrayal of the var- 
ied positions of sexual 
love with 70 full pages, 
full color graceful ac- 
tion photos ol an ex Ira 
ordinarily handsome 
couple specially posed 
in the nude by one of 
France's most imagina- 
tive photographers. 
Plero Rfncildl, with po- 
etic text by Colin V/ii 
son. For sale to adults 
over 21 only. 

Only S5.B8 




515458. GLEEFUL GUIDE TO LIVING WITH AS- 
TROLOGY. Here ut last is the long-sought answer 
to the oft-fell need of millions who dwell on the 
periphery oi our Astrological subculture." De- 
signed equally for ihe neophyte and the sophisti- 
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whole clulch of marvelous illustrations and hilar- 
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humor. It helps Ihe astrologically doprived cope 
the magical world of 



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Sun Signs. 



Only SI. 95 



092271. THE BOYi A Photographic Essay. Ed. by 
G. Si. Martin & R, C. Nelson. Over *QG photos, 52 
in lifelike lull color. Boys of all ages, playing to- 
gether, "skinny-dipping," sharing the delightful 
secrets ol boyhood -* a rich pictorial treatment 
that conjure up memories of innocent youth 

Pub. at 525.00 Only $9,95 



1(15500. ENCYCLOPEDIA OF LOVE AND SEX, 
With 265 vivid Illus , 173 in full color. Incredibly 
comprehensive, pictorial guide lo every aspect at 
lovemaking: G6 explicit cha piers on positions for 
loving, oral sex in love play, group sex, felishes, 
male and female orgasm, masturbation and fan- 
tasy, genital size, homo sexuality , etc. SVa x II V*. 
For sale to adults over 21 only. 

Only $10.95 



S47593. PABLO CASALS IN CONCERT, The great- 
est cellist of all time in splendid, definitive per- 
formances of Beethoven's Archduke Trio No. B in 
B-fkft Maj„ Op. 97 and Sonata lor Piano 6 Cello 
in F Mai., Op. 17; and Schubert's Suing Quintet 
in C Ma{., Op. 163. 
$15.00 Value 3 Record Set Complete Only $5,95 



MAIL THIS COUPON TODAYI I 

I ?JST CENTURY BOOKS, Dept. NL574 
60S Madison Ave., New York, NX 10027. 

■ Please send me the book and record bargains 
| circled below. MINIMUM ORDER S3, 

I On orders totalling S3 lo S10, add G0S per title 
! for shipping charges. 

I On orders over $10, no charge for 
. Add EOe ocr title tor deliveries outs 



Add 600 per title for deliveries outside conti- 
nental U.S. 

Enclosed find $ * Send check or 

money order only. Payable to 2 1st Century 

Books 

Sales Tax: For delivery in N.Y.C., add 7%. 

For delivery elsewhere in New York Stale, 

add 67,, 



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City 



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514020 
L03S58 



032120 , 
132397 
51544X 
ND1775 



092271 
134861 
515458 
E33&83 



105500 
13537X 
926253 
S47593 



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Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 97 





GmLOQUl 



access to yocks 



National Lampoon Posters 




DMTEBIORATA 

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The 



Fjicyclopcilia of Humor 




I AM THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND 
(P1006) *L50 






DETERI GRATA (front Radio Dhmtir, 
ir>o Nations 1 Lampoon 



oomady album) (P1O06) SI 



THE NATIONAL LAMPOON 
ENCYCLOPEDIA OF HUMOR 
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THE SEST OF NATIONAL LAMPOON, 
NO, 3 (BQ10D3) 1973; 192 pp. $2.50 




National Lampoon National Lampoon's N&tionat Lampoon Badfo Hour 

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National Lampoon Color Poatsrs <IL50), J3.S0 for three, tn.so for tour. 





THE BEST OF NATIONAL LAMPOON. 
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98 NATION AT* LAMPOON 



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THINK 




Expand your horizons with psychology today 




Do you sometimes feel hemmed in by the 
same old world of daily chores, , .supermar- 
kets. ..traffic jams... and the "vast, waste- 
land" of television? 

Here's your chance to turn your mind 
loose. Let it run free through the wonder- 
land oj \ psychology today. 

There's a whole world out there where 
marvelous (and sometimeB scary) thinp are 
being disnovered or developed. 

1 1 is now possible, shows one psychology 
researcher, to describe the stock broker 
most likely to lose your money. 

New approaches to world peace are being 
explored. Eighteen leaders of three African 
nations have met for sensitivity training, 

"Algorithms," logical flow charts, are 
teaching unskilled, untrained workers in 
just 7 days to diagnose the faults in a 
sophisticated radio receiver. 

Parent Effective Training is teaching a 
"nodose" method of resolving parent-child 
conflicts that satisfies the needs of both 
parties. 

A chimpanzee named Sarah has learned 



to compose whole sentences, drawing on a 
vocabulary of 120 words. 

Myths are being exploded. It's been 
found not true that people panic in the face 
of great danger, or that there is no clear 
link between violence on television and 
children's behavior. 

On the other hand, some common no- 
tions are being proved out. For instance, 
when mothers -in law come to visit, a per 
siin really can develop a bail, bad cold. 

Many new ways to get well are being 
tried. Nude therapy. The "screaming" cure, 
I'm O.K., you're O.K. The "Now and How" 
school, (One surprising finding: they all 
seem fco work.) 

Discover Psychology Today, the authen- 
tic boldly illustrated monthly that is open- 
ing up a brave new world to the alert, 
inquisitive reader. 

Mail coupon for a complimentary copy, 
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MARCH, 1971/CULTURE: With Michael G'Donoghue's How to Write Good. 
da Vinci's Undiscovered Notebook, Captain Bringdown, The Dolts, and Gracie 
Stick's etiquette handbook. 

APRIL, 1971 /ADVENTURE; With Derby Dames on Parade, Tarzan of the Cows. 
Real Baits magazine. The Philosopher Detective, Spoilers. Mexico on 5 Toilets 
a Day, and the Com Flakes parody, 

MAY. 1971 /FUTURE: With The NASA Sutra; A Zero Gravity Sex Manual, Toilets 
of the Extraterrestrials, Printouti the computer magazine, and The 1906 
National Lampoon. 

JUNE, 1971/REUGION: With The Polaroid Print of Dorian Gray, Big Blessings 
Bulletin. Gahan Wilson's Holy land, O.D, Heaven. Magic Made E-Z. and a 
parody of The Prophet. 

AUGUST, 1971/BUMWIER ISSUE: With Defeat Comics, the Canadian Supple^ 
ment. Would You Buy a Used War from This Man?, As the Monk Burns. 
Welfare Monopoly, and the CIA newsletter, 

SEPTEMBER, 1971/KIDS: With Eloise at the Hotel Dixee, The Hardy Boys, 
Children a Lelleis to the Gestapo, The Toilet Papers, Death Is and How to 
Cook Your Daughter, and My Weekly Reader. 

OCTOBER. 1971/BACK TO SCHOOL: With the Mad parody, Rodrigues 1 Hire 
the Handicapped, Magical Misery Tour. The Campus War Game. School of 
Hard Self, and 125th Street, 

NOVEMBER, 1971/HORROR: With Dragulfl, The Phantom of the Rock Opera, 
Sick Jokes of the '70s, Gahan Wilson's Science Fiction Movie Computer, and 
The Incredible Shrinking Magazine. 

DECEMBER, 1971 /CHRISTMAS: With Jessica Christ, Btind-Date Comics, This 
fs Your Life . , . Francis Gary Powers, The Russian Gift Catalogue, and Edi- 
torial Fantasies- 

JANUARY, 1972/JS NOTHING SACRED? With Son-o-God Comics, The Viet- 
namese Baby Book, and The Last Reatly. No Shit Really. The Last Supplement 
to the Whole Earth Catalog. 

FEBRUARY, 1972/CFIIME! With Groin Larceny, Ralph Nader, Publfc Eye, 
Angela and Rocky Take You on a Tour of the Big House, Dick Tracy on the 
take, and an Edward Gorey whodunnit. 

MARCH, 1972/ESCAPE! With Hitler in Paradise, the California Supplement, 
celebrity suicide notes, the Papillon parody, Swan Song of the Open Head, 
and doing it with dolphins. 

APRIL, 1972/25TII ANNIVERSARY: With the '50 Bulgemobites, The Playboy 
Fallout Shelter, Commie Plot Comics, Frontline Dentists. Third Base, the 
Dating Newspaper, and Amos "n" Andy. 

MAY, 1972/MEN! With I tow to Score with Chicks, The Men's Pages. Germaine 
Splllaine, Stacked Like Me, Norman the Barbarian, and The Zircon As Big As 
the TaU, 

JUNE, 1972/SCIENCE FICTION: With UFO, The Flying Saucer Magazine, a 
Theodore Sturgeon sci-fi story, Sext rat erres trials, The Last TV Show. Dodo- 
saurs, and Gahan Wilson's Klik- 

JULY, 1972/SURPRlSE! With Third World Comics, the Refugee Pages, the 
Little Black Book of Chairman Maoj How to Be a He-Man, Sermonette, and 
Col. Jingo's Book ol Big Ships. 

AUGUST, 1972/THE MIRACLE OF DEMOCRACY: With True Politics magazine. 
The Coronation of King Dick. Gahan Wilson's Miracle of Seniority, and Tales 
of the South comics. 

SEPTEMBER, 1972/BOREOOM: With The Wide World of Meat, Our White 
Heritage, Bland Hotel, the / Chink, National Geographic parody, and tho 
President's Brother comic. 

OCTOBER, 1972/REMEMBER THOSE FABULOUS SIXTIES? With Bob Dylan 
and Joan Baez in Zimmerman comics, Tom Wolfe In Walts, and a long- 
suppressed Rolling Stones album, 

NOVEMBEn, 1972/DECADENCE: With SgL Shrivor's Blooding Hearts Clun 
Band, Dofcat Day, tho Meal Chess Sot, the Fetish Supplement, and Adlai 
Stevenson in Rcmnants-of-Dignity Comics. 

DECEMBER, 1972/EASTER: With Son-o-God comics #2, Chris Miller's Gift 
of the Magi, Great Moments in Chess, Diplomatic Etiquette, and the Special 
Irish SuppFemcnt. 

JANUARY, 1973/DEATH: With The Adventures of Doadman, Playdead maga- 
zine, Children's Suicide Loiters to Santa, tho Last-Aid Kit, plus Bobble Fisher 
Shows You How to Boat Death. 

FEBRUARY, 1973/SEXUAL FRUSTRATION: With Piddle, the Catholic Sex 
Manual, Porno for Women, the Palma Sutra, and Playmeai-Try a Littie 
Tenderloin, 

MARCH, 1973/ SWEET NESS AND LIGHT: With the National Inspirer, the 
Young Adorables, My Own Stamp Album, Pharmacopoeia, and Nice Things 
About Nixon, 



APRIL, 1973/PREJUDICE; With Anti-Dutch Hate Literature, Alf in tto Fombly, 

The Shame of the North. Profiles in Chopped Liver, Surprise Poster #4 H and 

Ivory magazine. 

MAY, 1973/FRAUD: Wilh the Miracle Monopoly Cheating Kit, Borrow This 

Book, The Privileged Individual Income Tax Roturn, and Gahan Wilson's 

Curse of the Mandarin, 

JUNE, 1S73/VIOLENCE: With the seven Secret Japanese Techniques of Self 

Defonso, Kit 7> Kaboodfe Comics, Gun Lust Magazine, and Rodrigues' 

Hemophunnies, 

JULY, 1973/SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY: With Popular Workbench, Toohno- 

ractics, Non-Polluting Power Sources, National Science Fair Projects, and 

tho Jersey City Exposition of Progress, Industry & Freedom. 

AUGUST, 1973/STRANGE BELIEFS: Wilh Psychology Today parody, Son-o'- 

God Cornice #3, Gahan Wilson's Strange Beliefs of Children, and Rubington's 

FUZJ Against Bunk- 

SEPTEMBER, W3/P05TWAH: With Lite parody, Nazi Hegalia for Gracioue 

Living, Whitedove comics, Vichy Supplement, Guerre Magazine, and Military 

Trading Cards, 

OCTOBER, 1973/BANANA ISSUE. WHAT?: With Saga of the Frozen North, G. 

Gordon Uddy-Agent i c.RE-E.K, Amtrak Model Train Catalog, Tales of 

Nozzlin High School. The Don Juan School oi Sorcery, and B, KHhan's Turk. 

NOVEMBER, 1973/5PORTS: Wilh Sports illustrated parody. Character Building 

Comics, Doc Feeney's Scrapbook of Sports Oddities, Specialty Sports Mag- 

ririnns. 197fi Olympic PrRviaw, Al "Tantrum" O'NelTs Temper Tips, and 

8 at Day. 

DECEMBER, 1973/SELF-INDULGENCE; Willi Hie National Lampoon Building. 

Our Sunday Comics. Me Magazine. An Anglo-Saxon Clnistmas, Practical Jokes 

for the Very Rich, How Ed Subrtzky Spent His Summer, and Poonbeat. 

JANUARY, 1974 /ANIMALS: With Pethouse, Popular Evolution, The Attack of 

the Sizeable Beasts, Law of the Jungle, and Soncrs of the Humpback; Whale. 

FEBRUARY 1974/STRANGE SEX: With National Lampooi, First Lay Comics. 

Marilyn Monroe Calendar, Split Beaver Section, Sex Pornographicum, Terry 

Southern and William Burroughs. 

MARCH, 1974/STUPID: With tho Stupid Aptitude Test, Kancer Kare Kosmetics, 

The Stupid Group, and Stupid News & World Report. 

APRIL, 1974/TRAVEL: With Gahan Wilson's Paranoid Abroad, Airline Magazine, 

Amish in Space, RMS "Tyrannic' Brochure, 148 Countries You Can't Visit, and 

Welcome to Cheeseburg. 



THE NATIONAL LAMPC 
Dept, NL574, 635 Mad 
Send rue the following: 
No. of rajpres Is sup No. 

Mar.. 1971 

Apr,, 1971 
. May, 1971 


K)N 

son Avenue. New York. N,Y. I0022 

of copies Issue No. of copies Issue 

Anr. 1S7P May 197fl 

May, 1972 June, 1970 

June. 1972 July. 1970 
July, 1972 Aug,, 1973 


June, 1971 


Aug.., 1971 
[ Sunt.. 1971 


Auq. t 1972 Sept. 1973 
Sept., 1972 n^1, p 1373 
Oct,, 1972 Nov,. 1973 


Oct., 1971 


Nov., 1971 


_ Nov., 1072 Dec, 1373 


Dec, 1971 
_ Jan., 1972 


Pint-, in?? ,i Pn m7d 


. Jan., 1070 Feb,, 1974 


. Fob,, 1072 


_ Feb., 1973 Mar., 1974 


. Mar., 1972 


Mar,, 1970 Apr,, 1974 
Apr,, 1973 

at $1 for each copy requested. 

irehase plus shipping and handling. 


I enclose a total of $_ 
This amount covers pt 

My name 


Address 




r.hy 


fttalo 7in 





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Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



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